for Fini

[dtel]

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry , Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace ,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.' 'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday
that my Private Part died.
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing

[Marvel]

You know the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on...[:|]

[HarryO]

Once upon a time . . .

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be more than Ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well... You pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first . . .

Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex . . . you have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila,

and then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender . . . But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks . . . But he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds . . . then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches,

and he's bleeding all over his body.

He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'

[dtel]

The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats
6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy..."

The Frenchman replies. zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick
za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstacy.

The redneck says, "That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling.

[IB Slammin]

The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats
6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy..."

The Frenchman replies. zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick
za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstacy.

The redneck says, "That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling.

DUDE....................

[seti]

The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats
6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy..."

The Frenchman replies. zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick
za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstacy.

The redneck says, "That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling.

DUDE....................

DUDE!

[dtel]

I don't make them up, just cut and paste.

To much, sorry Amy. [:$]

[IB Slammin]

I don't make them up, just cut and paste.

To much, sorry Amy.

Elden,

Not to worry. Amy is a big girl. ....... LMBO....... Hard to type.......

tc[][][]

[fini]

Oh man, that is good!

[Islander]

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today…it might sound something like this…

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know.. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue ‘W’.

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue ‘w’ if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on ‘START’………….

[HarryO]

Subject: political correctness Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS . And furthermore HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a ' BREASTED AMERICAN.' 2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.' 3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.' 4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.' 5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.' 6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a ' LOW COST PROVIDER.' HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.' 2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.' 3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He ' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.' 4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is i n 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.' 5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ***' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.' 6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.

[dtel]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

Short of breath the 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you open the 3rd loaf it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this crap but me."

[HarryO]

"Morning Sex"
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our
usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept
in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me
and said softly," You've got to make love to me
this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still
dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her
And then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen
table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to
the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was
that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[HarryO]

Alzheimers or Parkinsons...Which one would you rather have? Parkinsons of course...... Better to spill half your BEER than forget where you put it!

[dtel]

A Harley rider was passing the zoo when he saw a little girl leaning into a lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket
and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion
square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter says, "Sir, that was the most gallant and the bravest thing I ever saw a man do in my whole life."

The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. I just saw this little kid in danger and did what I thought was right."

The reporter said, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.
So, for a little background, what do you do for a living? and what political affiliation do you have?" The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."

The following morning the biker buys the New York Times to see if it indeed reported news of his actions; and he reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!

[HarryO]

Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,

Katie went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,

"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning..."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that to people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble..

Oh no, my dear," replied granny..

"Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm.

Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous; simply in on the ding and out on the dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear and continued,

"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[Islander]

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'

The woman did as she was told.

'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'

Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'

Worried the woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'


Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ***.'

[dtel]

this is for Harry O

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said,
'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, But when is the last time you had sex?
''1955, ma'am.'
'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room Where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest And said,
'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, After glancing at his watch,
'I Hope Not; It's Only 2130 Now.'

(Gotta Love Military Time)

[Groomlakearea51]

A mother skunk gave birth to twins, whom she named In and Out.

One day In was out, so she aked Out,"Out go out and find In, In's out and I want him in, I've been looking for In outside for ages, I can't find In, he is out so go out find In and bring him in."

"What?" said Out.

"In's out, so Out go out find In and bring him In, I've been looking for ages and can't find In, I want In in, Out go out and bring In in, if you can find him."

So Out goes out to look for his brother In, and within seconds of leaving, he comes back with In in tow, and his mother asks "Out, how did you find In so quickly?"




"In Stinkt".............. [P]

[Groomlakearea51]

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000s in the state-wide safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to buy a driver's license, and maybe some insurance too" he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

[]