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Daddy Dee
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A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day...

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

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A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something . . . . . 'a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a sandwich?'

He declines and says, 'The Viagra really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken ?'

He declines again .... 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry.' . . . . .

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving

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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

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After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that enough was enough (they couldn't afford a double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabama man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".

So, the couple drove to Mississippi to get a second opinion. The Mississippi physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5,..........," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

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A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an
organization.*

Last week, we took some friends to a new
restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our
order carried a spoon in his
shirt pocket. It
seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils,
I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt
pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the
staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve
our soup I inquired, 'Why
the spoon?'

'Well,
'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to
revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they

concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It
represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per
hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can
reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per
shift.' As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he
replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to
the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..'

I was
impressed. I also noticed that there was a string
hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw
that all of the waiters had the same string
hanging from their flies.
So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter,

'Excuse me, but can you
tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh,
certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in
the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our
you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the
need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by
76.39%.'

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how
do you put it back?'

"Well,' he whispered, 'I don't
know about the others, but I use the spoon.'*

[H]

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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she

was

flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked

up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"

"Sure," answered

the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next

three hours fixing my truck. My

problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the

back which have to be taken to

the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed

already so I don't want to keep

them on the road all day. Could you possibly

take them to the zoo for me?

I'll give you $100 for your

trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were

ushered into

the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into

their seat

belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck

driver was driving through the heart of San

Diego when suddenly he was

horrified! There was the blonde walking down the

street, holding hands with

the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big

crowd.

With a screech

of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What the hell

are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take

these chimpanzees

to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde,"but we had money

left over so now

we're going to Sea World."

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1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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To add to dtel's collection.....

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

[H]

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And some of the best (or worst.... [:D]) for the collection...

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't
much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a
bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3.
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man
walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under
his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals
are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to
you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy
says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible
man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at
either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull
before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a
mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two
fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says
"Dam!".

15. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a
fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

16. A group of ches s enthusiasts
checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office
and asked them to disperse "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because",
he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

17. A
woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in
Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him
"Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a
picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Ahmal."

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Here's one from my wife.

Two lions are walking through the jungle when they
come upon two men sitting under a tree.

One is terribly obese and is
writing frantically on a notepad. He finishes a page, rips it out of the pad and
hands it to the other guy. This guy is thin as a rail, maybe 90 lbs. dripping
wet. He reads the page with equal energy and places the page in a
pile.

Well, one of the lions eats the skinny guy which causes the other
lion to ask;"Leo, you could of had a week's worth of meal, and you eat the guy
who will barely take the edge off your appetite. Why?!?!?"

The first lion
replies; "Well Linus, don't you know? Writers cramp and readers digest!"
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and one of my alltime favorites!

A few years ago, there was a really eccentric oil
tycoon who had taken
it into his head to collect really strange and exotic
pets. One
day, deciding to add to his collection, he walked into the
store
of an exotic pet shop and said to the salesman , "Show me the
most
unusual pet you have in stock!"

The salesman took him to an
outside tank, in which a pod of
dolphins were frolicking happily. "These may
LOOK like ordinary
dolphins," he told the man, "but these were given to us to
sell by
a genetics research group studying ways to genetically
reduce
aging in humans. It seems the experiment was a success on
these
little guys.

They can't survive out in the wild anymore, they're
too tame, but
as long as they don't catch any severe debilitating diseases,
they
will live more or less forever." The man is impressed, and being
the
wealthy man that he is, drops the cash to buy the dolphins and
have a
suitable home for them installed in his backyard.

The man became quite
attached to his pets and took very good care
of them, and they frolicked
about in their tank happily for nearly
fifteen years, much longer than any of
his other pets had ever
survived.

The man spared no expense for their
care, and seriously considered
leaving his multi-million dollar estate to
them in his will. But
one day they began to seem a little droopy and not very
energetic.
Alarmed, the man rang for the vet, who told him that alas,
his
precious dolphins had contracted a rare icthyoid disease, and the
only
antibiotic for them had to be derived from the feathers of
the blue savannah
parrot that lived on the jungle fringes of
Africa.

The man didn't
think twice. He called up his travel agent and
booked the next day's flight
to Africa, and rented a jeep and a
guide and pack boy to help him bag some of
these parrots. They
drove up to the edge of the jungle, stopped the jeep and
trudged
into the trees on an old native hunting trail, nets in hand.
After
about six hours of this, they had bagged two of the parrots, and
the
man decided that would be enough feather to make enough
antibiotic for his
pets. So he trudges back out toward the jeep -
and freezes. A huge, stately
lion had decided to take a nap right
in the middle of the path between him
and the jeep. He looks over
his shoulder and realizes that his companions
have fled leaving
him literally holding the bag, and the growth is too thick
on
either side of the trail to make it past without waking the lion.
So he
backs up about fifty feet, gets a running start, and leaps
over the beast and
makes a dash for the jeep and drives off for
the airport.

Just as he
is nearing sight of the airport, he hears a siren and
sees some flashing
lights. He dutifully pulls over, and a
policeman steps up to him and says,
"I'm sorry, sir, but you're
under arrest - "

The man interrupts him,
"Oh, please, officer, I'll pay any fine at
all! I need to get these parrots
back so I can make a vaccine for
my dolphins so they don't
die!"

"Well, sir," the policeman replies, "I'm afraid that's the root
of
the problem. I have to arrest you for:
....."taking mynahs over the stately
lion for immortal porpoises."
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Another "groaner"....

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small
florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of
God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked
the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the
friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart,
the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh
beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh,
can prevent florist friars.

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Now here's a groaner!!!

It's prom night in the early 60's and Peggy Sue is going to go with Bobby
Joe. Bobby Joe comes to pick up Peggy Sue and there in the entry is her
Daddy...rocking back on his heels and taking in the sight. Bobby Joe gulps and
grins nervously at his date's dad...

Dad says..."Soooooooo you are gunna take my
Dear Sweet Peggy Sue to the Prom, eh?" Bobby Joe says in a voice that cracks...ahhhhh Yessirrrrrrr! Well
Dad winks at Bobby Joe and says ... "Well boy let me tell you how to show that
girl a good time." Bobby Joe didn't fall off the rock and roll band wagon
yesterday and he nervously flinches and says " ahhhhhhhhhh whatsat Sir?"


He tells Bobby Joe in a conspiratorial tone..."Well boy...I will tell ya what
that Girl LOVES TO DO! That girl Loves to SCREW!"

Peggy Sue's dad almost had to pick Bobby
Joe off the floor! Bobby Joe is sure he is has lost his m ind...he is weak with
fright and something else...He says..." Beggin your pardon
Sir?" Dad just slaps him on the shoulder and says ..."Im tellin ya boy that girl
Loves to screw and she can screw the night away. So, if
ya wanna show her a good time you take her out and let her screw."
Dad hears Peggy Sue coming down the stairs so he stops talking and just gives
Bobby Joe ( who is weak in the knees and bordering on delirious) a big WINK and
a knowing look ...Bobby Joe can't believe his ears but who is he to go against
the wishes of his date's father...

Peggy Sue at this point is
sure that her father has given Bobby Joe the standard father of the teenage
daughter talk to Bobby Joe, gives Dad a dirty look and grabs Bobby Joe to
get out the door as quickly as possible.... And as they leave... the father says to Bobby
Joe..."Now you remember what I said and have a great time..."

Well 15 minutes later... Here comes Peggy Sue back in the front door...
Her Dad seems surprised she is back so soon and hurries to the door. MY GOD!

What happened to you? She is all rumpled and discombobulated, hair askew...
She walks up to her daddy ...gets right in his face ...Blows the hair up out of
her face and says......


THEY CALL IT THE "TWIST" DAD!!!!! THE "TWIST"!!!

[H]

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A man walking along the beach kicks over an ancient bottle and out pops a
Genie who immediately grants him one wish.


"I want to see Hawaii," said the man "but I am afraid to fly so build me a
road from here to Hawaii so I can drive it."


"Ah geez," complained the Genie. "That is too hard. Ask me for something
else."


"OK," said the man. "Explain women to me."


"You want two lanes or four?" replied the Genie.

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