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Daddy Dee

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Fini's last stay in the hospital...

Black Testicles


A male patient is lying in bed

in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his

mouth and nose,

still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical

A young student nurse appears to give him a

partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my

testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies

'I don't know,Sir.

I'm only here to wash

your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again,

'Nurse, are my

testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his

she overcomes her

embarrassment and sheepishly

pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his

penis in one hand and his

testicles in the other,

lifting and moving them

around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says,

'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong

with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask,

smiles at her and

says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was

wonderful, but listen

very, very closely.....

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back ?'

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There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
for example...

A wife comes home late at night early from being out of town and
quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she
can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says,
"Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say ‘Hello’?”

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Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And
had never been married.. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed
him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea... As he sat
facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl Sitting on
top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated. of all
things, a condom!

When she returned With tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water and its strange
floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss
Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the
bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found
this little package on the ground. The directions said To place it on the
organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

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A husband & wife came for counciling after 20 yrs of marriage. When asked"what the problem was",the wife went into a passionate,painful triade listing every problem they have had in the last 20 years they have been married. She went ON and ON; neglect , lack of intamacy , emptiness , loneliness , feeling unloved and loveable , an entire list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally....after allowing this to go on for a suffient length of time,the therapist got up,walked around the desk and,after asking the wife to stand,embraced her and kissed her passionatly as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.The woman shut-up and quietly sat down in a Daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said,"this is what your wife needs 3 times a week..Can you do this"?

The husband thought for a moment and said,"well....I coo,I could....drop her off here Mondays and Wednesdays but,on Fridays i fish".

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A tourist from the Midwest walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco .

While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it.

He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story", he said.

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys

and sewers and had begun following him down the street.

This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. After a couple more blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the THOUSANDS, and were squealing louder and louder -- and were coming toward him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw thebronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the thousands of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown . "Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story, yes?

"Are you kidding?," said the man.

"I came back to see if you have a Bronze Democrat!"

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A college
teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate
any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack
or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but
that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-a*ss student in the back of
the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is
reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher
smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, ........

'Well, I guess
you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

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Copied from an email from my older cousin Gwen. Lost the cutesy pictures.
The Importance Of Walking

The Importance of walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $4,000 per month..

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

I joined a health club last year, spent about 250 bucks. Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, ...... just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them!
It will save you the walk!

"A piss poor plan, violently executed, is better than no plan at all"
Marine Corps Manual

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more from cousin Gwen

Why Why Why...

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?

is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in
the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint
you have to touch it to check?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,
then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the
vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will ever open from the first end you try?

How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping
cart, then apologizes for doing so; why do we say, "It's all right"?
Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That really hurt you dumb
sh*t, why don't you watch where you're going?"

is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off
the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
If they're OK, then it's you!

REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine! And a day without sunshine is, like..........night!!!!
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Cousin Gwen must sit around forwarding amusing emails to her friends and family all day .... maybe she needs to get a life


Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color..
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look..
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it
And to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Men Are Just Happier People

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .


· When
the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even
though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller
and none will actually admit they want change back.

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man
would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


· Ah,
children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.

· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
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