lynnm Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 Sent to me by a friend. I just HAD to share it with you....one of the funniest reads I've had in a long time....Lynn ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Last week while travelling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellors hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium, put batteries in it, and you have a radio controlled indoor blimp. I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal! Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we put the blimp together. Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter. We blew it up with the tank, attached the gondola with the propellors, and put in batteries. Then we balanced the blimp for neutral bouyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling. It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter. My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly. Let's face it, blimps are fun. Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous. At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises. The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy, here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully. Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currents it approached the bed. In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again. I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil are converging on you. That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time. I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the maligant darkness. Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep. So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual. On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!! Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINSITER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to HOLY ****! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 240 even faster. I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution knows this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark. When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation. Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and lept out of bed in my underwear. I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living **** out of it with all the stength that sudden middle of the night terror produces. It's trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity. Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.) Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack. On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had. Unbelievably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all, I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived the incident. I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the door, thus sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep. *** At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware that we had assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that it was now floating around the the walk-in closet that she approached. The dynamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her. This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am. I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I will. Some blimps are better off dead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3dzapper Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 LMAO Rick Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
easylistener Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 That is funny as hell man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmk Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 Thank you....had tears in my eyes...way too funny! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BBB Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 I brought this one down with my radio-controlled helicopter. I refuse to have flying pigs darken my hole. He He He Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
avman Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 thanks!!lmao!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mari930 Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 hehehe- thats the funniest thing ive read in a long time. thanks for posting that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Papertester Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 Oh Man Way too funny!LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
m00n Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 Hey, it does look like fun http://www.blimpguys.com/toyblimp.htm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reel 2 reel Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 just had to bump this up the thread a bit..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnA Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 LMAO!!!! Lynn, you are too funny! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynnm Posted July 17, 2003 Author Share Posted July 17, 2003 John Just to clarify ......That piece was sent to me by a buddy. I didn't write it. I keep giggling when I think of the guy's wife opening that closet door and that thing makes a beeline for her nose. I wouldn't be suprised if HE wound up handwashing some undies ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fini Posted July 18, 2003 Share Posted July 18, 2003 Warning: Kinky Implications Follow! Proceed with caution!! ---------------- On 7/17/2003 11:34:38 PM lynnm wrote: I wouldn't be suprised if HE wound up handwashing some undies ! ---------------- What, that's supposed to be a punishment? VERY funny story, Lynn! I shared it with my wife, she loved it. fini Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dbflash Posted July 18, 2003 Share Posted July 18, 2003 Lynn, Thanks to you and your friend for sharing that story. I am still laughing as I write this. As I read the story I knew the wife would end up being involved. Way too funny. My brother bought one of these and loves flying it around his apartment http://www.plantraco.com Danny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jt1stcav Posted July 18, 2003 Share Posted July 18, 2003 What's left of the blimp after his wife went slap-happy on it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dale W Posted July 18, 2003 Share Posted July 18, 2003 LOL : Good one lynn Nothing worse than waking up in the middle of a deep sleep olny to find something in the dark. Think all of us share this fear . I woke up one evening ( 3:00 am ) to find my son casey ( 3 at the time) standing silent at the edge of my bed , staring at me . " SCARED THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF ME " . All he wanted was to climb in and cuddle but was unsure at the time , i still to this day don't know how long he was standing there before i woke up or for that matter what made me awaken . owww i hate this kind of stuff !!! There is no way i could live in the same house with someone who sleepwalked , just to freaky for me . lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jt1stcav Posted July 19, 2003 Share Posted July 19, 2003 That reminds me of the time I spent the night at my brother's house and slept on his futon in the family room...it was jet black in there except for a tiny nightlight in the hallway. For whatever reason I just woke up; without lifting my head, my eyes opened, and I almost had a heart attack when I gazed into the big, cold, dark eyes of my brother's cat (only millimeters from my own)! His cat wasn't used to me, and I guess he was just checking out the stranger sleeping on the futon that he usually slept on. But it was creepy...that cat had the look of death in his eyes, and I thought for sure he was going to attack me! That cat still freaks me out! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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