anarchist Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 Today brought the tragic news that my grandmother had suddenly passed away this morning. My grandmother was, in all reality, a surrogate mother to me and was easily the most influential person in my life. She was the gentlest, most compassionate and loving person I ever met. Her life was a testament to enduring trials and tribulations while maintaining an unshakeable faith in God. She had just visited for a month in November, appeared to be in great health, and had a fantastic time playing with her great-grandchildren particularly my 3 year old. Two days ago my 3 yard old began to repeatedly cry she loved Grandma and was very upset Grandma was not here. Today she has not mentioned one word about Grandma while I am devastated by her loss. I am trying very hard to find consolation in the belief that if anyone deserved to go to Heaven, it was my Grandmother. I so hope she has found peace and a place at God's side but I am a wreck. Just needed someplace to talk and spill my emotional guts; I am trying not to burden my wife and children with my despair although it seems I am doing a miserable job of it. Christ, I wasn't ready for this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j-malotky Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 Sorry to hear of your loss. Sounds like you have many fine memories of her to keep in your heart. I do not think you will be burdening your family and friends to share your grief with them. Of course not with your young children, since they do not understand death yet. But it does not hurt your kids to let them see your pain, since we are all human and can take only so much pain. It does not do you any good to keep all your grief inside. It will tear you up over time. I bet you find they are feeling the same and sharing with them will tighten your love together. Sorry agian to hear of your loss. You and your family will be in my prayers. JM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fini Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 Crash, My sympathy to you and your family at your loss. As JM said, your good memories, and sharing them and your feelings with your family will get you through this. Consider it a true blessing that your daughter and Grandmother had time to know each other. My Great-Grandmother passed away when I was 5, and I can still remember times we spent, looking at Christmas cards together, "blowing-out" the ones with images of candles. Hang in there, fini Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDBRbuilder Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 Crash, I am sorry to hear of your loss. You and yours are also in my prayers. I am sure your grandmother is at God's side right now...looking down upon you. Sharing your grief with your wife will make things better all around...I am sure your wife has grief over this too...hold each other and share letting it all out...it will tighten your bonds!...whereas holding all that grief in will loosen them! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
m00n Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 crash... i don't know what to say other than you have my depest sympathy. Sounds like you very much loved her. I wish you the best and hope for a gentle emotional recovery. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris Robinson Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 Crash, I can't say that I know for sure what you're going through, but I said goodbye to my dad in the last twelve months and it is still resonating inside. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about him and twinge a little bit, but I think that's part of the grieving process. When my mother died in 1990, it took the better part of five years to get through it. My relationship with her was much like the one you describe with your grandmother. The interesting thing about our society is that the "expectation" seems to be, "bury 'em and get over it" ... Companies give you about a week to take care of all that business and then expect you to be back toeing the line. This is really grossly unfair. It takes months just to get through the very first phase of grieving. My heart goes out to you ... I agree with the guys above ... Share your grief with your wife if you can ... It will be very good for both of you and your love for each other. You're in my prayers today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mallette Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 Man oh man, I understand. From what little you mentioned of the circumstance, it sounds like your grandmother died suddenly. Take a moment to read the following. One year ago this month, we took our son to see my mother. I am 53, and young Thomas was my mom's last grandchild and the only one to carry on my father's name. My mom was 83 and agile enough to climb a tree with a chainsaw. However, she'd spent the previous year battling a spinal problem that kept her in extreme pain and required several surgeries. There seemed to be temporary improvement, but she worried about being a burden and allowed she did not want to live like that. About that same time month's earlier she had found teenage romance with a fine man we all loved. She refused to marry him until she could get around and dance. However, in November she felt confident enough to take the plunge. They were inseparable and she was delirously happy. A series of events had caused us to postpone the trip to show off Thomas, however, we finally made it. We spent Saturday afternoon taking pictures and having a great visit, mom cooked lunch and we went out for a big steak dinner that night. She drove over to visit us at the old family house where we stayed the next morning and shared Nutter Butter cookies with my older (4) daughter, then jumped up saying she needed to go exercise and take care of a bunch of things. I stood up and gave her a big hug and kiss and called her sweet mommie, and she looked me straight in the eyes and said sweet baby, turned and went out the door. We got our things together and headed home. The next morning the phone rang at 7:30 and my brother-in-law called so distraught I could barely understand him to tell me mom was gone. They found her lying in bed with the TV on looking as though she were asleep. No sign of any trauma or struggle at all. I was so devastated it simply did not register. I began to think over the events of the past year. I felt cheated. We'd all assumed she'd live to be a 100 like the family genetics indicated and never really contemplated a world without her. However, I had felt deep down that she was getting only temporary respite from the spinal problem. Then I thought about how happy she was that weekend seeing her grandson for the first time. I thought about her last day, working in the yard, fixing supper for her love, cooking a cobbler before going to bed to enjoy the TV programs she enjoyed. This may sound pretty corny, but I finally imagined her lying there and the TV death angel Michael appearing and saying "Lillian, did you have a great weekend?" and her responding "It was a blessing." Him saying, "It's time to go." and them gently walking away. God deals gently with His saints. The above moment of death is from my imagination, but I suspect it is not too far from the truth. I've missed her desperately this past year, almost picking up the phone many times to call her and tell her Thomas latest discovery, then having that moment of terrible lonelyness and loss rush back. The bottom line is this: For persons of faith (whatever variety), a merciful death of a saintly person after a wonderful life is something to thank God for. The sense of pain and loss is strictly selfish in a way. Should I wish her back to face a relapse of the dibilitating pain she'd experience? Should I wish she'd been bedridden her last weeks so I could be more prepared? You get my drift. At each family gathering now when asked to give thanks, I do so. I thank God for the gift of mom's life, and for the manner and timing of her death. May I be so blessed. "May light perpetual shine upon them." Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynnm Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 Crash I was a mental health therapist for many years and grief counselling was a particular speciality. You are getting good advice from the folks above. Your family deserves the opportunity to grieve with you. Your attempt to "not burden them" does nothing to reduce their loss but merely signals to them that they must stifle their own need to express their grief in order to spare you the pain you are going to suffer regardless of anything they do. You owe it to yourself and your family to allow your grief to run its course. You will be better for it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris Robinson Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 That's a nice story above and really sums it all up for me personally. It reminded me of a true story that was passed along by the hospice nurse shortly before dad died at home of cancer last April. This nurse (let's call her "Jane") is now in her early 40's and has only been doing the hospice thing for about ten years. She had been a young mother in her twenties when she went in for some out-patient surgery in the doctor's office. Basically, there was a mistake with the administration of the anesthesia, and she went into shock and essentially died on the table. Like many have related, she had the oft-described out-of-body experience and viewed the scurrying doctors and nurses from "above" as they tried to revive her. She saw the "white light" and sensed a strong urging to go towards it. She was overwhelmed with a wonderful sense of peace and beauty. She knew she had children to raise and attend to, but the power of the attraction from above was even stronger. You know how this story ended ... They DID revive her and she recovered with no apparent permanent damage. Thereafter, however, she was blessed to live a life with no fear whatsoever of death ... in fact she welcomes it someday knowing that it IS a better place that she will go to. To see and talk with this woman for days on end, you know this is an absolutely true story, not one fabricated for the benefit of others. At the time of the incident, she was not in nursing at all ... but after the incident, she was so profoundly changed that she went and got the education and training required to work with terminally ill patients. She wanted to assure these people in a very personal way that there was nothing at all to be feared in death ... in fact, it was a phase in life to be welcomed. I was alone with my mother when she died at 4:10 pm on Christmas Eve in 1990. My sister arrived home very shortly thereafter and we held hands as we stood over mom, awaiting medical personnel. We wondered aloud if mom was doing okay in this new place that she was going. Right then and there, the Stiffel reading lamp in the corner of the bedroom took a big hop on the floor and rattled around as it resettled in its resting spot. We looked at each other and laughed, then cried, knowing that she was fine as she went on to a far better place. I know I'll see her there someday myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leok Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 crash, When we loose someone, the hole that's left is real. There can be, and are, other people who occupy other spaces, but not that one. People are important and we miss them when they're gone. leok Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j-malotky Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 Dave Your thoughts of your Grandmas passing are not that different from my Grandma. Grandma died at the hopital. The nurse on duty was with her at the time. A few moments before she left, she told the nurse that Jesus was standing at the foot of the bed. I believe that Jesus did come to take her home. JM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mallette Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 Well, let me tell you another little bit of that story, as I note the original poster mentions his 3 year old's reaction. Perhaps it will be of further help. The last picture made of my mother shows the front half of the open casket in the viewing room. My 4 year old, who adored her, is sprawled on the kneeler below. I treasure that picture. Before we took her there, we explained to her that God had come and taken grandma home, because her mission was completed. My mother had always said that about any unexpected death, and that if you looked at whatever happened hard enough, you would realize that it is true. It's always worked for me. Anyway, on the way back, my daughter said that the angels had come for Grandma, and that she was in the presence of God now. My daughter has been under heart-lung bypass for a total of nearly 1.5 hours in her lifetime, and seems to take the presence of angels as a matter of course. She never showed any signs of grieving, just a simple sure knowledge than Grandma was OK and in good hands. My theology is complex, and developed over 45 years of varying faith, agnosticism, atheism, and you name it. However, my faith is simple. I have finally come to understand that God has presented Himself to humans in many ways, though all leading to the same conclusion. My tribal religion is Christianity, and I would make a pretty poor Buddhist, Moslem, or Hindu. Therefore I picked up the Cross about 6 years ago for the rest of the trip. I believe it is right for me. It is not my place to say what is or is not right for others. To address your point, I've no doubt that Jesus came for your Grandmother. Human faith has never failed us in material things, so why should it in matters spiritual? Anyway, I certainly hope this thread has been useful to Crash. There is, after all, more to life that a good SET amp and 'horns. Good Lord, what am I saying! :-). Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deang Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 Yes, Grandma's are cool -- especially when they pull double duty. Bummer Crash. I'm sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anarchist Posted January 31, 2003 Author Share Posted January 31, 2003 Hi folks, A new day has brought on a new feeling and I am just kind of numb now. Trying to stay busy coding a new website and database for work to keep my mind occupied. I appreciate the sentiments and stories. They do help. I would prefer my Grandma back but I realize that is selfish and it is time for her to be free and receive life's reward. My 3 year old reminds me a lot of my Grandma and I find it curious that just before Grandma's death, Savvy was very upset and wanted desperately for Grandma to be here; yesterday, after her death, Savvy no longer seemed worried nor was she told anthing about Grandma. Something to ponder, I guess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mallette Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 >Something to ponder, I guess. Indeed. Do so. Children are much closer to these things than we hardened, skeptical adults. To get away (but not far in spirit) from quotes of religious leaders, etc., one of the great SciFi writers once said "The universe is not only queerer than we imagine, it is queerer than we CAN imagine." All the best, Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jazman Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 Crash, The loss of your grandmother is a real wound, and like all wounds, it will take time to heal. Each day will bring less pain. Hold and hug your family near and dearly. They love you too. Klipsch out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hofy Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 Crash, Sorry to hear of your loss. I can relate as my grandmother is like that to me also. She is 86 now and is starting to fade. I know the day will come when she will not be there, but there is no real way to prepare for it. You and your family will get through this. God bless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mobile homeless Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 All I can add here is that death is so vary natural, especially in the case of your grandmother, who sounded like she lived a long, full, and remarkable life, affecting all those around her. I just tend to look at the beauty of the whole experience and smile at the memories since it sounds like many. My dad and I shared music since I can remember. When I listen to Ben Webster blowing a ballad, I think of him every time. And usually there is a smile on my face. kh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J M O N Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 Sorry to hear of your loss. This may not make you feel better, but consider that you were fortunate. I never had a grandmother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J M O N Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 Sorry, accidentally hit the "submit" button twice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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