Quick... I need your best office worthy jokes.

[m00n]

Tomorrow, it's my turn to provide the joke for our weekly meeting at work. Give me your best.

[Zen Traveler]

I thought this was funny--Stole it from bs & maxg

So, I'm out shopping with my daughter for toys and we are staring at the Barbie display. Thousands of Barbies as far as the eye can see - there's airline barbie, travel agent barbie, nurse barbie, horse riding barbie, camping barbie, school teacher barbie, pilot barbie and about a million others. Some are collectors versions and cost up to $75 each - nuts man!!

Anyway right at the end of the line of Barbies is one all on its own.

And how much is that one?

$275!!!

WTF? Why?

That's divorced Barbie!

Comes with Ken's car, Ken's horse, Ken's Stereo, Ken's house, Ken's boat....

[Big Ears]

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a f**king checking account"

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen damnit, I said I want to open a f**kin' checking account right now."

"I'm sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 100 million bucks in the lottery and I want to open a f**kin' checking account at this damn bank!"

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this b**ch is giving you a hard time?"

[Bill H.]

Two computer programmers are driving on a Highway. They switch on the radio and there is a warning: Please note that a car is driving on highway 75 against the traffic. The programmer near the driver looks at him and says: One? There are hundreds of them.

[Bill H.]

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods

BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern

BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick

BYTE - What you pit bull dun to cusin Jethro

CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps

CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in

TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker

CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited

DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers

DISKETTE - Female Disco Dancer

FAX - What you lie about to the IRS

HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

HARD COPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos

INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair

KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere

MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food

MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers

MODEM - What you did when the grass and weeds got too tall

MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live

NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line

ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test

ROM - Where the pope lives

SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch

SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast

SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year

SCSI - What you call your week old underwear

[jacksonbart]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,

"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,

and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues ... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said,

"Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ..."I would have gotten out today."

[Ray Garrison]

You've been programming too long when

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

[WS65711]

This one works best in an email . . .

The Perfect Couple

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect

courtship, they had a perfect wedding.

Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their

perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of

the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There

stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any

children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his

toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple;

and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer.)

Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in

the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such

thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been

driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

Men Keep scrolling

By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates

another point: Women never listen.

[jacksonbart]

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't

feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to

hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman

enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my

puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not

what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with

her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big

unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on

several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one

to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to

compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond

earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I

was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me

because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how

to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine,

honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all

dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled

WHAT?" I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me

to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look

like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for

who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[Griffinator]

OMG! That's hysterical, Jackson!

[travisc]

A man wakes up one morning and there's a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a pair of handcuffs, a shotgun and a chuwala. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and wrestle the gorilla off the roof. When the gorilla falls off, the chuwala is trained to grab his nuts and not let go. When he reaches down to get the chuwala off I will handcuff him and throw him in the van" He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, I want you to kill that little dog!"

[m00n]

travisc

ROTFLMAO! Oh man, that's the best joke I've heard in a long time.

Thanks all!

[dtel]

dtel's wife says: This joke really isn't for the guys, but the girls will love it. Dtel said it may already be on the forum somewhere.

SICK HUSBAND

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.

"What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

and one more:

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

[JohnA]

Imagine a world with no hypothetical questions!

[TBrennan]

In 1921 in Dublin an Irish couple and their infant son are sneaking home after curfew from visiting friends. They round a corner and run smack into a patrol of British soldiers.

"Oo goes there?" the corporal cries out.

The shaken mother crosses herself and exclaims "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!"

"Pass the 'oly Family" the corporal replied.

[sunrisets]

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes," she replies, "he's my ex-husband, and he has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable," the husband replies.

"I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

[Tom Adams]

I know....a little late, what the hell.

It's the first day in prison for this guy and after a few minutes he hears some guy holler, "23!"

The prison wing erupts in laughter.

A few minutes later another inmate hollers out, "57!"

Again, all the imates including this guys' cell mate just bust a gut laughing. So the guy asks his cell mate what gives. The cell mate explains that every one in there has heard the same 'ol jokes over & over so many times that they decided to assign a number to them so they didn't have to recite the whole joke. That way they can just holler out the number.

The guy thinks for a moment, then hollers out, "32!" Dead silence. He hollers again, "32!!" Again, no one laughs. He looks at his cell mate and says, "What gives?'

The cell mate says, "I dunno man....some people just can't tell a joke."

Tom

[Tom Adams]

A man goes to a Doctor and tells the Doc he has a major problem with his "thing". The Doc asks what is it specifically that's the problem and the guy pulls his pants down and says, "This Doc - just take a look."

The Doctor is horrified by what he sees. The man's penis is all knarled and twisted and just terrible looking. It's something he's never seen before, hasn't a clue as to the cause, and worse yet....doesn't believe there's a cure. Feeling sorry for the guy, he hands him some ointment, tells him to rub some on his "thing" every night and come back in 6 weeks.

Six weeks later the guy sees the Doctor and is completely estatic telling the Doc that he's cured. He pulls his pants down and there his "thing" is all nice and straight just like it should be. The Doc is baffled and comments, "So the ointment worked?" To which the man says, "Oh hell no Doc. I quit using that stuff weeks ago."

"So how did this come about?" the Doc asks.

"Well...." said the guy, "I was in this men's room a few weks back and noticed that when this guy next to me finished peeing, he shook his "thing" a few times before he put it back in his pants."

"OK.....and how did that help?"

"Hell Doc....I've been wringing mine out for years!!"

Tom

[jackbean]

thank you all, you put a smile on my face after another miserable, married day

[ironwoods]

A white man and a black man are standing at the urinals. The black man looks down at the white's package, and notices a tatoo that spells "Wey". He asks what it means. The white guy replies; when I'm ready for lovin', it spells my girlfriend's name, "Wendy".

The white man also notices the same "Wey" on the black man, and asks what his girlfriend's name was.

He replies; "Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day"