Darwin Awards (Honorable Mention): "Honey...what would you call that color?"

[Chris A]

Many folks here have been around long enough to recall the invention known as the pressure cooker. Before the introduction of microwave ovens and self-timer crock pots, this dandy invention was used to save significant cooking time for things such as New England boiled dinners and other local specialties, such as carp (...don't ask...). One the remaining uses of pressure cookers today is to cook beans whose varieties include black, black-eyed (...a southern specialty...), garbanzo, fava, lentil, lima, navy, kidney, and pinto. Pinto beans in particular are a special favorite in southern cooking: the beans are cheap and provide protean, carbs, fat, and minerals: a whole meal in one dish. The need to cook large quantities of beans had been historically driven by visiting relatives with large families and the hosting of community functions requiring the serving of some sort of inexpensive food to feed the multitudes.

However when simple caution is cast aside and the size of the crowd exceeds the size of the available pressure cooker's capacity, the situation in this instance become ripe for the annals of the annual Darwin Awards. One such occurrence took place at a distant relative's house...

Unfortunately, the size of the pressure cooker was not large enough to follow the desired cooking load, and there was insufficient time to run to the neighbors to borrow an additional pressure cooker. So the "AlphaMale" made the executive decision to simply add twice the beans and water as the pressure cooker was designed to handle. Beans, water, and spices were added as the phrase "it'll be alright dear, just go get dressed...", the lid assembled, the "little thingy" weight on top placed carefully, and heat applied until the "little thingy" danced on top of its pressure relief fitting beneath it.

As the planned social event grew closer in time to starting, the backup cook-of-the-day decided that there was risk that the beans would not be fully cooked before the guests were served. With very few minutes left before automobiles started to show up in front of the house, the heat was dramatically increased to full reheat (i.e., afterburners). The little weight on top of the pressure cooker changed its normal dance to "full rumble", the juveniles of the house gathered to watch the increasing spectable. It this juncture, the AlphaMale and AlphaFemale of the house rushed to put on their greeting attire, just as the now-frantic pre-event activities were swinging into high gear, the house's juveniles were mesmerized by the pressure cooker weight dancing in wild gyrations.

But just as the AlphaMale had arrived at the master bedroom sans pants and shirt, a small voice quietly asked..."Daddy, why did the little thingy stop dancing?". Haste ensued as AlphaMale sprinted into the kitchen to immediately reconnoiter the situation. However upon arrival, he froze in terror at the sight of several young juveniles now sitting in a new IED blast zone.

Quickly, AlphaMale instantly sized up the situation: it would be unacceptably dangerous to try to twist the lid of the pot open to release its internal pressure in an uncontrolled manner. This would clearly be a dumb thing to do. So the next thought entering the mind of our new EOD specialist: simply lift the little thingy on top just enough to allow the offending bean to clear itself. Instantly, a hand grasped the top of the pressure cooker weight, and with one swift motion, centered the weight, and lifted it clear of its normal position. Just as this occurred, more extended family members arrived and were impatiently waiting at the front door--and began to let themselves in, just in time to witness...

<Cue slow-motion effects in "Matrix" style> Instantly, all juveniles in range of the newly christened 15-calibre hypersonic skyward-pointed cannon began to exit the scene (post haste) in order to avoid the immediate blast effects and secondary fallout ensuing. Before AlphaMale could attempt to replace the little thingy in its normal place, the force of the recoil from each exiting bean caused the pressure cooker to jump sideways in a wild fashion, thus agitating the internal contents in sympathetic motion, whose contents now became perfectly aligned (in the sense of a machine gun ammunition belt) to deliver its ordnance into the breach in timed sequence, to assure a series of bursts of instant frijoles: all one could discern that the stream itself was an intermittent "burripp...burripp...burripp", reminiscent of a GAU-8 strafing its target from an A-10 attack aircraft.

<Back to normal motion> After the contents of the cannon had expended itself of approximately 2 pounds of pinto beans, the pressure cooker finally reached a steady-state screaming phase of approximately 145dB(SPL) which lasted several seconds.

By now, more relatives had arrived along with nearby neighbors wondering just what that awful series of noises were. There in full sight was the aftermath of the event, complete with suspended particles of bean hulls slowly wafting their way to the floor and nearby rooms. The main deposition area--the ceiling and nearby walls--were now looking like an undulating "Mons Olympus" Martian crater from high orbit. Everyone in the immediate area was rendered more-or-less evenly in a patina of liquified pinto beans now covering a 5-meter deposition area.

"...Honey, what would you call that color? Frijoles or pinto?..."

Chris

[CECAA850]

The most amazing thing about that story is that someone would actually pressure cook a carp[+o(]. The rest is believeable (unfortunately).

[Chris A]

Both stories are actually true..but the second one predates my recollection (late 1950s in Grand Prairie, Texas). I'll not identify the family relation, but fortunately, it wasn't in my immediate family.

Cooking carp in a pressure cooker apparently allows one to eat the resultant protein/butter/water/spice residue without first having to pick out the bones, I'm told. I've actually seen people trading striped bass for carp for cooking purposes...

[Mallette]

Cooking carp in a pressure cooker apparently allows one to eat the resultant protein/butter/water/spice residue without first having to pick out the bones, I'm told

Gar is prepared this way as well...though you may have both all the gar and carp you want and I'll just fry up the bass, thank you very much.

Dave

[Mongo171]

People from Texas sure are weird! []

[CECAA850]

People from Texas sure are weird!

That's the pot calling the kettle black (I was born and raised in upstate)

[Daddy Dee]

cask05,

thanks for posting. wow, what a story.

folks got by with just a mess? no injuries?

that would be one heck of a mess to clean up.

[Mongo171]

People from Texas sure are weird!

That's the pot calling the kettle black (I was born and raised in upstate)

I was actually born down-state, in the Bronx.

I worked with some Texasites from Austin (I think?), when Hewlett Packard laid people off and intel hired them to work in Abq.

I did drive through Texas, once. Only took me a week.

[Wrinkles]

One the remaining uses of pressure cookers today is to cook...

When I lived in Florida, they were also used to make the best goober peas "boiled peanuts" ever.

A buddy of mine used to bring his boiled peanuts to work and explained that the higher perssure would cause the salty water to get infused through the shells into the peanuts.

You could eat a bag of them in no time. Often, a better treat than popcorn.

[Gilbert]

Good story, L'ed MAO, thanks.

FWIW, Carp are good eating fish. As a kid I use to make fun of people who ate them, but they are quite good to eat, so long as they're fresh and you can deal with double layer of bones. Catfish (Blue Cats and Flat Heads) is my favorite (so far) fresh water fish.

[Frzninvt]

Catfish are really good but what a job to get them fileted, and the skin off. We used to keep vise grips and needle nose pliers in the tackle boxes. They are tough too I recall my dad tossing the fileted ones back in the water and they would swim off. Largemouth bass and crappie are some of the best eating. My dad use to fry up the roe in melted butter.

I make catfish filets in my smoker seasoned up and they are fantastic, the family does not like fishy tasting fish and they will eat the catfish done in the smoker usually with pecan, apple or cherry wood.

[sunburnwilly]

Sometimes it's best to read the instructions .

[mungkiman]

http://jdgroover.wordpress.com/2013/08/20/the-2013-darwin-awards-are-out/