sputnik Posted May 25, 2007 Share Posted May 25, 2007 A friend just sent this to me: DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatchingflat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in thechest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it againstthat freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhereunder the workbench with the speed of light. Also removesfingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in aboutthe time it takes you to say, "Yeow nuts...."ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in theirholes until you die of old age.SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creationof blood-blisters. The most often tool used by women.BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minortouch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija boardprinciple. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictablemotion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the moredismal your future becomes.VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off boltheads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used totransfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong theconduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting variousflammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting thegrease inside the wheel hub while removing the bearing race.WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars andmotor cycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or½ socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch woodprojectiles for testing wall integrity.HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the groundafter you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jackhandle firmly under the bumper.EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobileupward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than anyknown drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby endingany possible future use.RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by mostshops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strengthof everything you forgot to disconnect.CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar thatinexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the endopposite the handle.AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimescalled a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at aboutthe same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark thanlight, its name is somewhat misleading.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals underlids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashingoil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, tostrip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes usedto convert the common slotted screws into non-removable screws.AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in acoal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it intocompressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago pneumatic impactwrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip orbracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadaysis used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive partsadjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it tomake gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents ofcardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularlywell on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plasticbottles, collector magazines, refund checks and rubber or plastic parts.Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, mostoften, the next tool that you will need. FRAMING HAMMER: The hammer that a well-meaning but not terribly observant or accurate person who is trying to "help" inevitably grabs from your toolbox in order to drive small nails deep into finished wood in conspicuous locations, giving the wood around the nail head a special three-dimensional look not unlike the texture of hamburger meat.SAWZALL: A tool to shake nearly anything - wood, plaster, pipes, etc. at very high speeds, producing lots of dust.HOLE SAW: Produces nice round wood plugs, which unfortunately cannot be removed by any means from the hole saw, and therefore this is kinda a one use disposable tool.ROOFING HAMMER: This is the tool that can be found on your roof. All the time. Because you are just too lazy to get out the ladder and go back up there and get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators dtel Posted May 25, 2007 Moderators Share Posted May 25, 2007 That's funny, and much of it is true. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flannj Posted May 25, 2007 Share Posted May 25, 2007 That's not called a hammer. That's an "adjuster". - Jim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddy Dee Posted May 25, 2007 Share Posted May 25, 2007 excellent material. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wrench722 Posted May 25, 2007 Share Posted May 25, 2007 Thats funny![8-|] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Champagne taste beer budget Posted May 25, 2007 Share Posted May 25, 2007 LOL.. Very nice, I can relate to each and every one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wstrickland1 Posted May 25, 2007 Share Posted May 25, 2007 and they all come with a lifetime warranty, which states that if they break in half, you get to keep both pieces Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Islander Posted May 26, 2007 Share Posted May 26, 2007 I've heard hammers called "knockometers" and precise types sometimes call adjustable wrenches "disgustables". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michael hurd Posted May 26, 2007 Share Posted May 26, 2007 LMAO, I laughed hard enough it hurt..... and I was trying not to wake anyone up.... lol, good one!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunburnwilly Posted May 26, 2007 Share Posted May 26, 2007 Excellent diversional post Mr Nick ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
colterphoto1 Posted May 26, 2007 Share Posted May 26, 2007 I liked the Sawzall one [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhilMays Posted May 26, 2007 Share Posted May 26, 2007 I havn't laughed so hard in a while! I would add the following: STUD FINDER: A device used to determine where vacant space resides behind sheet rock. VOLT METER: A hand held death sentence devise. CAULK: An artist's medium. CARPET KICK TOOL: A devise used to relocate kneecaps. HAMMER: Meat tenderiser. SOCKET SET: Knuckle Adjuster. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
falcon20x Posted May 29, 2007 Share Posted May 29, 2007 I havn't laughed so hard in a while! I would add the following: STUD FINDER: A device used to determine where vacant space resides behind sheet rock. VOLT METER: A hand held death sentence devise. CAULK: An artist's medium. CARPET KICK TOOL: A devise used to relocate kneecaps. HAMMER: Meat tenderiser. SOCKET SET: Knuckle Adjuster. Can't type, laughing to hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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