Tools and their uses.

[sputnik]

A friend just sent this to me:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about
the time it takes you to say, "Yeow nuts...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters. The most often tool used by women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub while removing the bearing race.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motor cycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
½ socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending
any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,
its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about
the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,
the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than
light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing
oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to
strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
to convert the common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30
years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads.
Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to
make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.

FRAMING HAMMER: The hammer that a well-meaning but not terribly
observant or accurate person who is trying to "help" inevitably grabs
from your toolbox in order to drive small nails deep into finished wood
in conspicuous locations, giving the wood around the nail head a special
three-dimensional look not unlike the texture of hamburger meat.

SAWZALL: A tool to shake nearly anything - wood, plaster, pipes, etc.
at very high speeds, producing lots of dust.

HOLE SAW: Produces nice round wood plugs, which unfortunately cannot
be removed by any means from the hole saw, and therefore this is
kinda a one use disposable tool.

ROOFING HAMMER: This is the tool that can be found on your roof. All the
time. Because you are just too lazy to get out the ladder and go back up
there and get it.

[dtel]

That's funny, and much of it is true.

[flannj]

That's not called a hammer. That's an "adjuster".

- Jim

[Daddy Dee]

excellent material.

[Wrench722]

Thats funny![8-|]

[Champagne taste beer budget]

LOL.. Very nice, I can relate to each and every one.

[wstrickland1]

and they all come with a lifetime warranty, which states that if they break in half, you get to keep both pieces

[Islander]

I've heard hammers called "knockometers" and precise types sometimes call adjustable wrenches "disgustables".

[michael hurd]

LMAO, I laughed hard enough it hurt..... and I was trying not to wake anyone up.... lol, good one!!!!

[sunburnwilly]

Excellent diversional post Mr Nick !

[colterphoto1]

I liked the Sawzall one []

[PhilMays]

I havn't laughed so hard in a while!

I would add the following:

STUD FINDER: A device used to determine where vacant space resides behind sheet rock.

VOLT METER: A hand held death sentence devise.

CAULK: An artist's medium.

CARPET KICK TOOL: A devise used to relocate kneecaps.

HAMMER: Meat tenderiser.

SOCKET SET: Knuckle Adjuster.

[falcon20x]

I havn't laughed so hard in a while!

I would add the following:

STUD FINDER:  A device used to determine where vacant space resides behind sheet rock.

VOLT METER:  A hand held death sentence devise.

CAULK: An artist's medium.

CARPET KICK TOOL:  A devise used to relocate kneecaps.

HAMMER: Meat tenderiser.

SOCKET SET: Knuckle Adjuster.

 

 

Can't type, laughing to hard.