bhendrix Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel. I no longer have lemon slices in my ice water at a restaurant without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.. I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose (all though cell phone usage may be overtaking the number one spot). Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO,now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all,but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish with in five minutes. BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans. I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan . I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies! I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . Oh, by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jbsl Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 [:|][:|][:|][:|][:|][:|][:|][:|][:|][:|][:|][:|][:|][:|][:|][:|] [:S][:S][:S][:S][:S][:S][:S][:S][:S][:S][:S] Doh!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill H. Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 " AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE Ican't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probablywas placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab myleg. " That wasn't a sex molester, just your local Senator............cause he's afraid of using the Public Toilet.................. Also don't forget you can't Use the Rubber Maid containers in the Microwave ..............cause they too give you Cancer ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators dtel Posted February 21, 2009 Moderators Share Posted February 21, 2009 Don't worry Bill, the radiation from your computer screen probably has you close to your last days anyway. [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamesV Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 Bill, Those were all great.... [Y] One thing, I heard that the material that they make the Jub out of cause cancer also. You better ship them to me, don't worry you can thank me later for saving your life. [] James Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest " " Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 subway seats.... neck on bus head rests..... door knobs in general... buying morning tea and a bagel from those miniture carts with the person standing inside.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigStewMan Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 very funny indeed. made me remember a sign that my doctor had in his office..."Living is hazardous to your health." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wuzzzer Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 Superbly written, it reminds me of all the riduculous emails I've received over the years. I think I'm going to copy it and email it to all the people that send me emails like that. [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
germerikan Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 Thanks, now I will be locking myself in our apartment and making everything steril. Now if I can only figure out how to get Vedgies (naturlich not gene manipuliert) and meat (no steroids or mad cow please) through the airlock I might live to see next week end. Now where was my water filtration unit? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
picky Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 Great post, Bill! Love'd it! Now, it's time for me to go poop in some envelopes..........and send them to the IRS! (thankfully; they're peel-and-stick)! LOL -Glenn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe Shmoe Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 I have some issues myself but being sick once, I am just a little more careful now. My biggest issue are the escalator hand rails in the mall. My Oncologist back then told me to steer clear of them, and I still do not touch them to this day... you know how many people a day touch that thing? lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seti Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 I just wrapped myself in saran wrap to keep out the germs. Uh noooo wait didn't you say saran wrap causes cancer : ( asaaaghhgh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bhendrix Posted February 22, 2009 Author Share Posted February 22, 2009 Uh noooo wait didn't you say saran wrap causes cancer Only if you jump in the microwave while wrapped in Saran. Please don't try this at home . . . . .[:S] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 [Y] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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