Jokes?

[Woofers and Tweeters]

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards
claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and
sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV’T AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

RANCHER: ”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years.
I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day
and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him
a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

GOV’T AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.”
RANCHER: “That would be me.”

[Woofers and Tweeters]

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

[Woofers and Tweeters]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington , DC.
Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" 

"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100
million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and
set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks. 

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon".

[Woofers and Tweeters]

"If you were my husband I would poison your coffee" - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
"If you were my wife I'd drink it" - Winston Churchill in reply.
 

[Woofers and Tweeters]

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from.

[Woofers and Tweeters]

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband : "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6." 

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him : "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied : "they had eggs"

[Karsoncookie]

Very entertaining, keep em comin.    Lars

[USNRET]

While driving thru Texas a couple of out of state folks were stopped by the highway patrol.

The trooper approached the car and tapped on the driver's window with his baton.

When the driver lowered his window the trooper smacked him in the forehead with the baton and told him "son, this is Texas, when a lawman stops you, you are to lower the window and have your papers ready to present".

After running checks the trooper returned the paperwork to the driver and told him to remain there while the trooper spoke with the passenger.

Approaching the passenger side of the vehicle the trooper again grabbed his baton and struck the passenger right between the eyes.

Passenger: What the hell was that for?

Trooper: Just making your wish come true!

Passenger: What wish?

Trooper: I am going to let ya'll go on your way and in a minute you will turn to your buddy driving and say "I wish that SOB would've tried that with me".....just making your wish come true.

 

[Woofers and Tweeters]

I was in Costco, pushing my shopping cart around, when I collided with a young guy also pushing a cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy said, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate. Then I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy said "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with long blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

[Woofers and Tweeters]

My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

"Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."

"How come?" I asked.

"Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing."

[Woofers and Tweeters]

A guy comes home from a session, extremely drunk and with a white duck 
tucked under his arm. He stands there swaying on the stoop as his missus 
opens the door.
"And what the hell have you been up to?" She demands.
The drunk slurringly proclaims, "This is the pig I've been shagging!"
"That's a duck," says the missus.
Says he, "I was talking to the duck."

[Woofers and Tweeters]

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

[Woofers and Tweeters]

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back. 
 

[Woofers and Tweeters]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads

[Woofers and Tweeters]

Two old geezers have been friends for years and meet every day at the park to sit around talking about old times, the weather, politics, whatever comes up. Their names are Mike and Sam.

So one day Sam shows up at the usual time but Mike is nowhere to be seen. Sam gets worried and tries his cell phone with no luck. He knocks on Mike's door and nobody answers. He starts to fear the worst. Mike has no family and Sam can't find out what happened.

Weeks pass. Sam trudges out to the park each day but Mike is not there.

One day Sam walks to the park and there is Mike, sitting at the usual bench looking like nothing ever happened. Sam was overjoyed!

"Where have you been? What happened?"

"Well, you know that cute waitress at the cafe we used to eat at?"

"Yeah..."

"She filed charges against me, claiming I raped her."

"So what happened?"

"Well, I'm 89 years old. I was so proud to be accused of raping her that I pled guilty.

"The judge gave me 30 days in the hoosegow for perjury."

[Woofers and Tweeters]

Summer Contemplation


I Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple of nice cold beers.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various subjects.
After a period of meditation, I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? 
Women have always maintained that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question:
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby.
The reasoning behind my conclusion is as follows:

A couple of years or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

But NEVER will you hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

[Skelt]

How do you turn a dish washer into a show thrower?      Hand your wife a shovel 

 

After telling my wife that one she replied:

What do you do if you see your husband staggering around in the back yard?     Shoot'em again

[Woofers and Tweeters]

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

[Woofers and Tweeters]

 

Letters to Santa





Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky


Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your
*** whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a
low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your
pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet
Dreams! Santa

*******************************************
Dear Sant,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all
yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're well on your way to being a career lawn care
specialist. How 'bout I send you a ******* book so you can learn to
read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at
least HE can spell!
Santa

****************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah


Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked weed when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
***************************************
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I
really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey


Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
***************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy


Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the baby
sitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me
get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
*****************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan


Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You
want to be a kiss-***? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some
Toblerone.
Santa
***************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas


Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most
my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at
the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
****************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Love, Jessica


Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your
house...
Santa
*************************************
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE,
Timmy


Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't
work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

 

 

 

 

[Woofers and Tweeters]

Timmy Writes a Christmas Letter.... 

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones


Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus


Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones


Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve you social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus


Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat *** and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone


Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your sh*t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you're a** and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy


Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy


Timmy,
That's what I thought you little bastard.
Santa