Moderators dtel Posted September 26, 2008 Moderators Share Posted September 26, 2008 Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE DISHES" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fini Posted September 26, 2008 Share Posted September 26, 2008 OK, I came up with one, right outta my head. What's the difference between Lehman Brothers and Sony? One has bad assets, and the other has bad *** sets. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flatgrass Posted September 26, 2008 Share Posted September 26, 2008 An Arkansas senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of a Little Rock dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-40 towardsFort Smith, pushing the pedal even more.Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a StateTrooper car behind him, blue and red lights flashing.He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too oldfor this,' and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said,'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today isFriday. If you can give me a reason for speedingthat I've never heard before, I'll let you go.' The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Years ago,my wife ran off with a Arkansas State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back. ' 'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the Trooper. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryO Posted October 8, 2008 Share Posted October 8, 2008 A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.' She gives him his beer. About 15 minutes later, he says again, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.' She does. A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer. The wife says, 'Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this.' The husband looks up and mumbles, 'Now it starts.' 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
colterphoto1 Posted October 8, 2008 Share Posted October 8, 2008 What did the trailer say to the tractor? 'Pull me a little closer, John Dear" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andy W Posted October 8, 2008 Share Posted October 8, 2008 Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryO Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 I once dated a girl so fat... She wore high heels and struck oil. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 I dated one so fat, I had to get a commercial license to cart her around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryO Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Yea, and if you talked about her behind her back you had to fill up the tank first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryO Posted October 20, 2008 Share Posted October 20, 2008 When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take >> her someplace >> expensive....so, I took her to a gas station..... and then >> the fight >> started.... >> >> **************************************************************** >> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light >> for $14.95. >> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told >> her the beer >> would make her look better at night than the cold cream. >> And that's when >> the fight started. >> >> **************************************************************** >> >> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school >> reunion, and I >> kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she >> sat alone at a >> nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' >> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's >> my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right >> after we >> split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't >> been sober since.' >> 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a >> person could go on >> celebrating that long?' And then the fight started..... >> >> ****************************************************************** >> >> I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were >> alongside the road >> and slowly the other driver got out of his car.You know how >> sometimes >> you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem >> funny? Yeah, >> well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He >> stormed over to my >> car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT >> HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down >> at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' >> And that's how the >> fight started..... >> >> ******************************************************************* >> >> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some >> reason, took my >> order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium >> rare, please.' He said, >> 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' >> 'Nah, she can order for >> herself.' And that's how the fight started..... > 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryO Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150". The man thought about it and told the undertaker he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150?" The man replied, "long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. "I just can't take that chance". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigStewMan Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 I dated one so fat, I had to get a commercial license to cart her around. Well, I dated one so ugly that i would never leave her side just so I wouldn't have to kiss her goodbye. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryO Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 I was so depressed last night thinking about the up coming election, I called Lifeline. Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fini Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 Harry, you're killin' me here! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryO Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with religion, or marriage, or something, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, DC has recently revealed the true story... When a Hindu woman marries, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the new husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, or a motel in the United States.. If there is nothing under the dot, he must take a job in India answering telephones and giving technical advice that no one can understand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marvel Posted November 3, 2008 Share Posted November 3, 2008 A man and his wife were walking through the airport, the man carrying the luggage. A skycap approached him and asked "Carry your bag sir?" The man quickly replied, "Nah, she can walk." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryO Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 Two best friends were watching a football game and enjoying a few beers. One guy leans over and asks his buddy, "if I had sex with your wife and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?". His buddy thinks for a minute and says "probably not, but it would make us even. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryO Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 My uncle got a vasectomy and put it on his credit card. When the bill came, he forgot to pay it and a man from the finance company came over to the house and knocked up my aunt! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryO Posted November 5, 2008 Share Posted November 5, 2008 Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married.... . > > >The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'? I told my >husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' >Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. > >Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. >Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and >cuckooed 3 times.? Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I >cuckooed another 9 times. > >I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a >quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.? >(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos >MIDNIGH T!) > >The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told >him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem p***d off in the least. ......... > >Whew, I got away with that one! > >Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said 'oh sh*t.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryO Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 My ex wife was a screamer during sex. She screamed so loud the neighbors complained. I had to quit letting her go over there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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