OT: Joke thread

[theplummer]

A local radio talkshow host decided to have a call in show about religion, so he invited a Jewish Rabbi, a Catholic Priest, and a Evengelical Minister to attend at the same time.

The first caller asked for all three to answer the following question, "How do you decide how much of the offering do you keep for your self and how much do you give to god?"

The Evengelical Minister went first. He said that after his last sunday service, he collects all the offetory and walks outside and draws a line in the dirt. He then straddles the dirt line and throws the money into the air, and which ever lands to the left of him he keeps for himself and what ever lands on the right of him "Goes to God, and all his holyness".

The Catholic Priest pipes up, "Ah, I also do a similar procedure, but with one distinctintion. I draw a three foot diameter circle in the dirt, I stand over the circle and throw the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle, I keep for myself and the rest "Goes to God".

A long moment of Dead Air occurs, and finally the talkshow host asks the Rabbi to answer.

He replies" I also do a similar act, but I don't worry about drawing in the dirt. I go outside with the money after services and throw the money in the air.......

Whatever god wants..... He keeps.

[J.4knee]

A woman recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said she was doing 'fairly well' for her age.

A little concerned about that comment, She couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' She replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? '

She said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' She said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

No,' She said.

He looked at her and said, 'Then, why do you even give a crap?'

[flannj]

I stole this from Neil Steinberg's column in today's Chicago Sun-Times.

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh my God," replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex!"

[bodcaw boy]

A woman recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said she was doing 'fairly well' for her age. A little concerned about that comment, She couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' She replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? '

She said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' She said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

No,' She said.

He looked at her and said, 'Then, why do you even give a crap?'

now that is funny.

take care,

roy

[flannj]

These are not my sons, so don't ask.

A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother were upstairs in their bedroom.

The 7 year old was explaining that it was high time that the two of them begin swearing.

When his little brother responded enthusiastically, the 7 year old hatched the plan, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say hell and you say fat a$$.”

The 4 year old happily agreed.

As the two boys were seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walked in and asked her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast.

The 7 year old replied, "Ah hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."

"WHACK!" The surprised mother reacted quickly.

The boy ran upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.

With a sterner voice, the mother then turned to the younger son,

"And what would YOU like for breakfast?"

"I don't know," the 4 year old blubbered.

"But you can bet your fat a$$ it's not gonna be Cheerios."

[Groomlakearea51]

The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was Political Correctness.

The winner wrote: Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous, self serving and mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a horse "poop" by the clean end....

[bodcaw boy]

you guys are killing me!!!!!

take care,

roy

[Tom Adams]

A teacher gave her class a sex education assignment to watch a TV show that had something to do sex and to be prepared to tell the class about it the next day.

The next day, one-by-one each student stood up and told about how they saw a show about women having babies and soap operas where men & women were kissing and such.

The teacher gets to the last little boy and excitedly he says, “Well last night teacher I was watching and old Audie Murphy movie. And Audie was riding down through this pass when all of a sudden there was 3 Indians coming at him from the front and 3 Indians coming up from the rear. And Audie pulled out his six shooter and shot and killed every one of them Indians!!”

The teach said, “Well that certainly sounds like an exciting movie, but what did it have to do with sex?”

The little boy said, “Well…..it taught them Indians not to f*** with Audie Murphy!!”

[fini]

Good joke, Tom, but I thought the punch line would have something to do with the "3 Indians coming at him from the front and 3 Indians coming up from the rear..."

[]

[fini]

OK, so here's a knee-slapper!

A fella was asked by his wife to make a brick patio in their back yard. They discussed the design, and he came up with a very detailed plan, which called for one thousand bricks. Not wanting to have leftovers, he ordered exactly 1000 bricks from his local brickyard, to be delivered the next morning.

He was up bright and early the next day, and when the load arrived, before he would let the driver leave, he counted the bricks, one by one.

After two hours, he was done.

Turns out, they only delivered 999 bricks.

[jacksonbart]

OK, so here's a knee-slapper!

A fella was asked by his wife to make a brick patio in their back yard. They discussed the design, and he came up with a very detailed plan, which called for one thousand bricks. Not wanting to have leftovers, he ordered exactly 1000 bricks from his local brickyard, to be delivered the next morning.

He was up bright and early the next day, and when the load arrived, before he would let the driver leave, he counted the bricks, one by one.

After two hours, he was done.

Turns out, they only delivered 999 bricks.

I heard that one before, the punch line was the same except that driver runs over a family of Badgers on his way to deliver the 999 brinks. Ironically the Papa Badger that now laid flattend on the road with his wife and twin daughters what the same one that made the punch line possible in the previous sequense of jokes as he had eaten Aunt Hildy's pie, not Uncle Ernie. In fact he was caughing up a hair ball when his family was hit.

[Duke Spinner]

Just for Sputsie ....

A man was washed up on a
beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were
washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were
stranded on a deserted island.



After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.



One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.



As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around
it.



But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.



After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.



A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.



The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.



That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It
was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man
started to get 'those feelings' again.



He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and
leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could
do for him.



He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

[fini]

OK, so no one liked my last joke. Here's one I like almost as much.

An older woman and her small dog were riding on a train as it pulled into a station. A man, smoking a big cigar, got on, and sat right across from the woman and her dog. The train left the station, and the man continued to puff away, unaware that the smoke was bothering his fellow travelers. Finally, the lady could stand it no more, and politely asked, "Sir, would you please extinguish your cigar, as it is bothering my dog." The man looked up and said, "I'm sorry ma'am, right away." He opened the window, throwing out the cigar, and the little dog jumped right out after it! The man immediately pulled the chain, and the train screeched to a violent stop. The lady and the man looked out the window, and through the clouds of smoke and dust, eventually they could make out the faint image of the little dog, running toward them! As he got closer, they could see the dog had something in his mouth. Finally, they could see what the little dog held in his mouth.

You know what it was?

[Bill Cain]

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself. Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important. God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand". God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand". God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?" Bill Gates responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".

[oscarsear]

2 old ladies were sitting in church enduring a rather long sermon. One turned to the other and said, "this bench is so hard it is making by butt go to sleep." Her friend said, "I know. I heard it snore 3 times."

[flannj]

OK, so no one liked my last joke. Here's one I like almost as much.

An older woman and her small dog were riding on a train as it pulled into a station. A man, smoking a big cigar, got on, and sat right across from the woman and her dog. The train left the station, and the man continued to puff away, unaware that the smoke was bothering his fellow travelers. Finally, the lady could stand it no more, and politely asked, "Sir, would you please extinguish your cigar, as it is bothering my dog." The man looked up and said, "I'm sorry ma'am, right away." He opened the window, throwing out the cigar, and the little dog jumped right out after it! The man immediately pulled the chain, and the train screeched to a violent stop. The lady and the man looked out the window, and through the clouds of smoke and dust, eventually they could make out the faint image of the little dog, running toward them! As he got closer, they could see the dog had something in his mouth. Finally, they could see what the little dog held in his mouth.

You know what it was?

Yes, I do.

[fini]

Yes...?

[flannj]

the brick

[Brac]

brick? what brick?

[fini]

the brick

[]

[Y]