Bill Cain Posted May 21, 2008 Share Posted May 21, 2008 An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another'' trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your 'automobiles' on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong b i t c h out the window." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brac Posted May 22, 2008 Share Posted May 22, 2008 Come on It's not often, I need a joke explained (like never) WHAT BRICK?????? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Islander Posted May 22, 2008 Share Posted May 22, 2008 Come on It's not often, I need a joke explained (like never) WHAT BRICK?????? It's the brick from the 999 bricks joke. I didn't get that one, unless it was just a shaggy dog story without a real punch line.The woman's dog had the cigar. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fini Posted May 22, 2008 Share Posted May 22, 2008 The woman's dog had the cigar. Nope, you had it right the first time. I guess it really doesn't work online. Maybe it's not funny, at least with too much analysis. It's kind of a Pulp Fiction / Memento kind of structure. If anyone wants a "racy", inappropriate-for-forum, (some will think) disgusting (but it's my favorite) joke, request it by email. Oh, I first heard it on AM radio, SF Bay Area ABC affiliate KGO "newstalk radio" (so don't blame me). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Cain Posted May 22, 2008 Share Posted May 22, 2008 A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump. "What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy, is a 2008 Cadillac DeVille." "What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine." "Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Islander Posted May 22, 2008 Share Posted May 22, 2008 The woman's dog had the cigar. Nope, you had it right the first time. I guess it really doesn't work online. Maybe it's not funny, at least with too much analysis. It's kind of a Pulp Fiction / Memento kind of structure. Ah, an interlinked joke sequence. Now it all comes together! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skonopa Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 I heard that FedEx and UPS was planning on merging. The company is going to be called Federal United Parcel or FedUP! Yeah, I know, pretty stupid... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skonopa Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 Another pretty dumb one, but those of us that are engineers and/or do consulting work should get a kick out of it. There was this guy, Joe, that worked at a factory for many years. He pretty much designed and maintained most of the machinery. Eventually the day came when it was time for him to retire. Several months later, the plant was having a problem with one of the machines and nobody could figure out how to fix it. The plant manager finally called this guy up to ask fo help: "Joe, I am sorry to bother you as I know you are retired, but we have this problem with this machine Could you come in and have a look? We'll even pay you". So Joe came in and spent maybe a 1/2 hour and found the problem. He painted a red 'X' on a part and told the plant manager: "You need to replace this part that I marked and it should work after that!" The manager thanked Joe, but had a question with the invoice that Joe produced, which came out to $50,005. Joe explained - the $5 was for painting the red 'X', the $50,000 was for knowing where to paint the red 'X'! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BLSamuel Posted May 29, 2008 Share Posted May 29, 2008 I heard that FedEx and UPS was planning on merging. The company is going to be called Federal United Parcel or FedUP! FedUP. Brought to you by the same geniuses who tried to market the Chevy Nova in Mexico.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BLSamuel Posted May 29, 2008 Share Posted May 29, 2008 Joe explained - the $5 was for painting the red 'X', the $50,000 was for knowing where to paint the red 'X'! not so dumb really, but I liked the version where the guy couldn't get anybody to get his car to run right so finally took it to an old aging mechanic, around the tenth or so, who listened to it for a couple of minutes, turned a screw and had it purring like a kitten, the car owner being all excited about how well it ran until the old guy said that'll be twenty dollars. Twenty dollars for turning a screw! You're nuts! I want an itemized bill. Turning screw: $0.05. Knowing which screw to turn $19.95. (something like that... now you know why I don't try to tell jokes) We should all find a mechanic who's that affordable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom Adams Posted May 30, 2008 Author Share Posted May 30, 2008 I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13' The fence was too high to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some b*stard poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brac Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 NOW THAT'S FUNNY! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom Adams Posted May 30, 2008 Author Share Posted May 30, 2008 A young man on a Aprilia scooter pulls up next to a brand new Ferrari at a stop light. The young man is completely beside himself at the sight of the sexy red car. Not being able to contain himself he pokes his head inside the passenger side window, looks around and says to the driver, "Oh man….this car is awesome. What’ll she do??" The driver all proud says, "She’ll hit 180 mph easy. Oh you better back away, the light is about to turn green." The boy backs away and the driver decides to give him a show. The light goes green, he nails it, and roars off with the tires smoking. After grabbing second gear, he gets out of the throttle only to see the kid on the scooter go flying by him. Kinda embarrassed that his Ferrari got smoked by some punk on a scooter, he romps on the gas and goes screaming passed the kid at over 90 mph. "Huh" he thinks "That’ll show em." Again, the kid on the scooter comes sailing pass the Ferrari which completely pisses off the driver who nails the throttle again. Once more he passes the kid, this time at around 130 mph. Looking up he sees a stop light and jams on the brakes. About this time he looks in the rear view mirror to see where the kid is, sees him coming fast and ka-WHAM, the boy slams into the back of the car. The driver jumps out and runs to the boy and asks, "Son….are you ok? Talk to me, talk to me." The dazed lad says, "I’m ok. But please mister – could you remove my suspenders from your outside rear view mirror!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom Adams Posted May 30, 2008 Author Share Posted May 30, 2008 Ned and Boudreaux are talking one day and Ned says to Boudreaux, "Hey….lemme ax you sumptin’. Since you know so d*mn much, where is a woman’s yet?" Boudreaux says, "Whut da hell is you talkin’ ‘bout?" Ned says, "A woman’s yet….why - ee- tee, yet. Where is it?" Boudreaux says, "You crazy. A woman ain’t got no yet." Ned say, "Yes she does!" Boudreaux says, "Hell no she doesn’t!" So they commence to arguing…..hell no, hell yes, hell no, hell yes.... Finally Boudreaux says, "What in da hell makes you think a woman has got a yet?" Ned says, "Because right here in the newspaper it says that a woman was shot last night and the bullet is in her yet!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
djk Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 In 1978 I paid a mechanic $30 to turn a screw, best $30 I ever spent. He adjusted the air mass sensor on my multi-port Bosch electronic fuel injection, something the DEALER couldn't get right (after 8 months in their shop and virtually destroying the car). ----------------------------------------------------- I prayed for a bike constantly. I asked the minister of my church why God didn't hear my prayer. "Young man, it's not proper to ask God for gifts and toys, now pray for forgiveness". After days of soul searching prayer, I saw the light! A while later the minister saw me riding my new bike and said "I see you prayed for forgiveness and God answered your prayer for the bike". (I didn't have the heart to tell him I stole the bike and then prayed for forgiveness) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KlipschNutz Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. “I am the strongest, most powerful man here,” he boasted. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, John had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.” “You’re on old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.” John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said “All right. Get in.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oscarsear Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 A man sits down next to a little girl on a long air flight. After the plane is in the air he turns to her and says, "Lets have a conversation. I hear these long flights go a lot quicker if you have a conversation with a stranger". The little girl closes her book and says, "Okay, what do you want to talk about?" He says, "Lets talk about nuclear energy". She says, "That sounds interesting, but first let me ask you something. A horse, a deer and a cow all eat the same thing...grass. But the deer makes pellets, the cow makes paddies an the horse chunks of dried grass. Why is that?" The man thinks the little girl is pretty smart and replies, "I'm not sure". And she answers. "Well how do you expect to discuss nuclear energy if you don't know ***t." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cmdridq Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 A man who owned dolphins found out that if he fed the dolphins a certain kind of sea bird, the dolphins would live forever. So he went to the spot to where the special sea birds were found, captured them and put them in a cage and then started back to his dolphins. As he was heading home, he saw an old, decrepit lion standing in his way so he jumped over the lion. The police immediately arrested him. The charge? Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duke Spinner Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.' The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two- bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.' The guy, wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullshittin' me!' The social worker said, 'Yeah, well . . . you started it ' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenderbender Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 Why do Mice have such small balls???................................................................Because so few of them can dance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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