OT: Joke thread

[edwinr]

Some common audiophile rules:

1. Quantum waves are oscillations of possibilty.
2. Sattinger's Law: it works better if you plug it in.
3. When in doubt, get a larger amp.
4. Never touch an audiophiles' settings. Never.
5. No language which lends itself to visualizability can describe the quantum jumps.
6. The musical truth: An unalterable and unquestionable law of the musical world is that the German text of French operas sung by Swedish artists should be translated into Italian in order to be clearly understood by English-speaking audiences.

[edwinr]

One bright, beautiful Saturday morning, the local hi-fi store had advertised they were havng a 'fire' sale that was so 'hot' that even Satan would be impressed. As a result the store was packed with customers looking for a bargain.

Just before midday when business was most hectic, Satan himself appeared in the middle of the store. Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon, everyone was evacuated from the building, except for one elderly gentleman who stood calmly by the front counter, clutching a pair of headphones and a handful of bargain CD's, not moving....seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and fumed, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "I've been married to your sister for over 48 years! That's why I'm buying these headphones!"

Satan started to say something then stopped. He stared blankly for a few seconds, then suddenly grabbed the headphones and CD's from the old man. Satan said, "I just got news that your wife has had a bad fall at home, she won't recover. I think I'll need these more than you will..."

[edwinr]

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."

If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would you play her our favorite records on the hi-fi in our loungeroom?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She hates Opera."

[edwinr]

Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Symphony No. 9 under the baton of Milton Katims.

Now at this point, you must understand two things:

There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the basses don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on thier stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews.

When they got there, a European nobleman recognized that they were musicians, and bought them several rounds of drinks. Two of the bassists passed out, and the rest of the section, not to mention the nobleman, were rather drunk. Finally, one of them looked at his watch and exclaimed, "Look at the time! We'll be late!"

The remaining bassists tried in vain to wake up their section mates, but finally those who were still conscious had to give up and run across the street to the Opera House.


While they were on their way in, the bassist who suggested this excursion in the first place said, "I think we'll still have enough time--I anticipated that something like this could happen, so I tied a string around the last pages of the score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."

Sure enough, when they got back to the stage they hadn't missed their entrance, but one look at their conductor's face told them they were still in serious trouble. Katims was furious! After all...

It was the bottom of the Ninth,
the basses were loaded,
the score was tied,
there were two men out,
and the Count was full.

[edwinr]

Maestro (to Horns): "Give us the F in tune!"
Violist (to Maestro): "Please can we have the F-in' tune too?"

[Mighty Favog]

Every time you burp you just cheat yourself out of a good fart....

[oscarsear]

At 80 years old the new bride was asked about her fourth husband. "He's a undertaker and owns his own funeral home." The interviewer asked what her previous husbands did for a living. "The 1st was a banker, the 2nd a circus performer and the 3rd was a preacher" she calmly recounted. Then she boldly announced, "Yessir, 1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready and 4 to go!"

[Jeff Matthews]

Okay, this is not politics - but just a joke. Okay?

Johnny's 5th grade social studies teacher was asking all the kids what political party they favored. When the teacher got to Johnny, she asked, "Johnny, which party do you like? Republicans or Democrats?" Johnny answered, "Most definitely Republicans, without any doubt." A little surprised at the confidence of Johnny's answer, the teacher asked, "Johnny, why are you so sure about that?" Johny answered, "Because my parents are Republicans." The teacher asked, "Well, Johnny, if your parents were stupid, would that make you stupid, too?" Johnny answered, "No, that would make them Democrats."

[Groomlakearea51]

Been out of pocket since June but ran across a good one from one of my students during the summer...

Here's how a 5th grader views the history of the world..... and who said that our education system is failing us?.... LOL

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children,Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.”. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

23. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.

24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is In the East and the sun sets in the West.

30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of river to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

[oscarsear]

After hours of love making they guy notices a picture of a man on his new found lovers bed stand. "Is that your husband?" he nervously asked. "Oh no I'm not married", she replied. "Is it your boyfriend, then", he reposted. "Nope, not the boyfriend either.....and you're even sexier when you're jealous", says she. "Brother, cousin, who is the guy?", he persisted. "Nope not a relative. That's ME before the surgery!"

[Tom Adams]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close

to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,

when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Jose, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.. '

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and

there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back

bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Jose, Jose, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

'Jose when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon....

ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5

metres, Jose following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a

machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear

he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to

warn Jose with his dying breath.

'Jose... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

'Jose... ees not a bacon tree...

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Eees a ham bush.

[dtel]

Doctor John had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just
couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in
his head that said: "John, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you
won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, John."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to
reality whispering, "John............................ You're a
Veterinarian, you sick ba####."

[dtel]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Hallowe'en Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."

[oscarsear]

2 little boys go into a drug store and bring a box of Tampons up the register to check out. The clerk looks down at them and asks how old they are. The taller one replies, "I'm 8 and my brother is 4 and a half". The clerk queries, "are these for you?". Again the taller boy answers, "nope they're for him (pointing at his younger brother) he can't ride a bike or swim and on TV they says these will fix that".