Expiration Date. A Thebes Short Story

[thebes]

Still needs some re-writing, but i hope it amuses.

Expiration Date

“Pumpernickel! What is she doing putting Pumpernickel in me”, said Bettie Bread Box.

“It’s always something that smells. Garlic bread, sourdough bread, onion bagels, rye bread. Can’t she ever buy some donuts, or maybe some nice smelling cinnamon bread. Nooooo, of course not, and Mr. God, he’s even worse...”

Tell me about it,” said Margaret Microwave, Bettie’s closest friend, they being only two feet from each other on the kitchen counter. “All I ever get used for is making coffee and popcorn. Oh sorry Mr. Coffee, didn’t realize Mrs. God had left you out on the counter. Now don’t go grumbling at me, it’s not personal you know. Oh Bettie, couldn’t they warm up some soup in me, maybe some vegetables or leftovers. The combination of coffee and popcorn makes me nauseous. I mean it wouldn’t be so bad if they washed me every now and then, but nooooooo...”

And so it goes. Our two kitchen magpies are at it again. You’d think they run out of breath or something,, but they never do. Shouldn’t complain, living here inside the spice and canned good cabinet is mostly silence. Nobody has much to say when the door’s closed and we’re in darkness. Good thing that neither Mr. nor Mrs. God is a neatnik and cabinet doors are almost always flung open and left open for days at a time.

Me? No I don’t say much. When you are a can of creamed corn with a long passed expiration date, you want to stay very quiet and very much in the background. You’re new here so let me tell you a thing or two. What’s your name by the way? Mike Mushroom? Well welcome Mike and be happy you got shoved in here in the back corner. Canned goods and spices in the front the of the cabinet have a distressing tendency to get pulled out, spun through Cary CanOpener, emptied, and their remains tossed into Thomas TrashCan. From there they get put out to THE CURB. THE CURB? Nobody really knows what it is, but nobody sent to THE CURB has ever come back.

Now if you’re lucky, you could last back here for years. That is, unless, there’s A Purge. A Purge? Well, from time-to-time and nobody knows what kicks it off or when it’s coming, Mr. or Mrs. God will start opening drawers and tossing things into Thomas Trash Can, and get this: for no apparent reason! The only thing we do know for sure is that if you have an expired expiration date you are almost certain to end up on THE CURB.

Now I will admit being back here in the corner is not even close to fun compared to being out in The Kitchen. But it does have its compensations. Why just check out the spice rack. Man those spices come in all shapes and sizes. I like the colorful caps they wear, and just smell them! They make me feel all funny inside. When the doors open I chat them up and we have a good time. Why a while ago Mr. God brought home two identical bottles of Hot Chili Powder. I used to call them Salsa and Verde, which they found very amusing. Sadly they disappeared into Johnny CrockPot in the Great Chili Pogrom of ’09. Oh hey, heads up. I think The Hungarian Paprika has her eye on you. Be careful, she’s a notorious flirt.

Just then, Mrs. God walks into the kitchen, a determined look on her face. Looks like she wants to cook up something special. She slides open the appliance dock and pulls out

Mo the Mixer and his favorite sidekicks, the eggbeaters Larry and Curley. A quick reach into The Fridg Erator and out comes the eggs. Now it almost impossible to keep their names straight and I get so sick of them yelling “Banzaiiiiiiiiiiii” right before she cracks them open. She also grbs Bertha Butter and, Mr. Marvelous Milk. Then, reaching into our cabinet she comes away with Sally Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips, Suzy Sugar, Flora Flower and Billy Baking Soda. Sliding open a drawer she reaches over the flatware, annoying little fellows who are always yelling “Take me! No take, me! No take me..., to grab Sammy Spatula and then from another cupboard, Mandy Measuring Cup.

Pretty soon she’s got parts of my friends in Mo the Mixer, attaches Larry and Curley and turns him on. Now these beaters are the most hedonistic souls you’d ever want to see. As the mixture begins to thicken a bit, it creates a silky smooth surface that washes over their spines to their groans of total pleasure that suddenly turn to cries of pain as Mrs. God tosses in a cup of chocolate chips.

A few minutes later as Mrs. God pours the now smooth mixture into Bob the Baking Pan, into the kitchen breezes a very excited Mr. God. “Honey, great news! The bank called and the loan’s finalized. We can mover into the new house next week. When you finish up that cake, let’s go shopping for new furniture. Oh and well we’re at it, I know how much you love to cook, so let’s toss out all this old kitchen stuff and get you all brand new everything!”

Things get a bit hazy after this. The Purge was like nothing I had ever seen. I think I passed out half-way through. I don’t know how I survived, but when I awoke I was all alone, so alone in the dark, until, one day the door flew open and light streamed in.

It was a new Mrs. God and another, older Mrs. God, called Mom God. Mrs. God said to Mom God, “Mom, thanks so much for helping me get the kitchen organized. I think the spices and cans and such will go fine in the cupboard you just opened”.

Ah I thought, new friends to make. Things are looking up. But then she said, “We were in such a hurry to finish the packing we just everything into the boxes. In an day or two, I’ll go through the shelves and make sure that everything with an expired date gets put to THE CURB.”

Uh oh.

Edited August 19, 2014 by thebes

[oldtimer]

Just purged my Fridge Erator yesterday. Pickup is every Thursday, so they are all in the bin known purge-atory.

[dtel]

Still needs some re-writing, but i hope it amuses

It always does.

As far as purging the fridge, I have a son in law for that he will eat anything and everything, expiration dates he may not even know they exist.

One thing I can say for sure is cleaning out a fridge and freezer after a few day of no elec after a storm will make you think completely different about food.

[CECAA850]

http://youtu.be/dkHJKakHMpo

[oscarsear]

Wot comes to immediately to mind is the saga of the Brave Little Toaster....................

[BigStewMan]

Thebes, come clean … that's really a synopsis of an episode of Xena the Warrior Princess isn't it?

[thebes]

Such chary replies. Do you think I should have added more cowbell?

[jason str]

Such chary replies. Do you think I should have added more cowbell?

I think the beat is too similar to to Beastie Boys Egg Man, more cowbell may be just what it needs.

[ChuckAb3]

Science could be set back many, many years if fridge purging caught on and swept the nation!! Do you want to be responsible for that?? I think not! Be careful what you propose!! Thanks for the creative piece, Marty, and enjoy the new digs. Chuck.

[Mallette]

Frankly, if the twins aren't in it I could care less... But then I have a fetish for things that come in pairs.

Dave

[USNRET]

Have I ever told you how much I like chicken? I went to sleep last night with a breast in one hand and a thigh in the other. I woke up this morning still wanting a piece...........of chicken of course

[Boxx]

Have I ever told you how much I like chicken? I went to sleep last night with a breast in one hand and a thigh in the other. I woke up this morning still wanting a piece...........of chicken of course

   

[thebes]

Science could be set back many, many years if fridge purging caught on and swept the nation!! Do you want to be responsible for that?? I think not! Be careful what you propose!! Thanks for the creative piece, Marty, and enjoy the new digs. Chuck.

Thanks for the kind words Chuck.

 

True story, dating my to be future wife and she reaches into my fridge one morning, sees some eggs, cracks one into a pan and it's entirely black inside it's so old.

[thebes]

Frankly, if the twins aren't in it I could care less... But then I have a fetish for things that come in pairs.

Dave

See now you are just not paying attention to the story,  Did you not observe that the protagonist ie me, is creamed corn, and there are two hot babes in the spice section, "Salsa" and "Verde"

 

Now I do admit that the creamed corn was an inadvertent double entendre, but still.

 

Plus no one seems to have noticed that The Three Stooges managed to slip into the story.

 

Knuck, knuck, knuck.

[oldtimer]

It was all caught Thebes, just not mentioned.