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Daddy Dee
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A boss at a very successful company wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

' Hello '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'

' Y es ..'

'May I talk with her?'

Again the small voice whispered,

' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,

'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes ,' whispered the child, 'a policeman '. . . .

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy ', whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,' whispered the little boy.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter .'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,

'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

'ME '

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*** The polite way to pee ***

During one of her daily classes, a teacher was trying to teach good manners. She asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said,"Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."

"What about you Sherman, how would you say it."

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but i really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"Thats better, but its still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."

"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny pondered a moment and said, " I would say: Darling, may i be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.

The teacher fainted....

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While riding one day alone, a Biker met a Farmer riding a horse with a dog and a sheep alongside. The biker began a conversation . . . .

Biker: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Farmer: "Dogs don't talk."

Biker: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing' alright."

Farmer: Look of shock.

Biker: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the farmer.

Dog: "Yep."

Biker: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Really well. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, & takes me to the river once a week."

Farmer: Look of total disbelief.

Biker: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Farmer: "Horses don't talk."

Biker: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Farmer: Extreme look of shock.

Biker: "Is this your owner? " pointing at the Farmer.

Horse: "Yessiree Bob."

Biker: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, and thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

Farmer: Total look of utter amazement.

Biker: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Farmer: "The sheep is a liar."

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A man calls 911 and says I think my wife is dead. The operator says, How do you know? He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. Well... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine... until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think its time to change dentists?

A wife says to her husband that You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. And he says What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

The problems we face today exist because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

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ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:

Dear Abby,

What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,

I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,

I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,

My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,

My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

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The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a:

Herd of cows,

a Flock of chickens,

a School of fish

and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is:

a Pride of lions,

a Murder of crows

(as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),

an Exaltation of doves

and, presumably because they look so wise:

a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons.

They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.

And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

?

?

Believe it or not . a Congress!

A CONGRESS OF BABOONS!

I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington !

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A woman is having affair during the day while her husband is
at work.

Her 9 yr old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them together
and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.


The woman’s husband also comes home unexpectedly.

She puts her lover in the closet not realizing the little boy
is already in there.


The little boys says “It sure is dark in here”.

The man says “Yes it is”

Boy..”I have a baseball”

Man..”That’s nice”

Boy..”Want to buy it”

Man..”No thanks”

Boy..”My dad’s home”

Man..”How much?”

Boy..”$250”

Man..”OK”


In the next few weeks it happens again and the boy and lover
are in the closet together.

Boy..”I have a baseball glove”

Lover..”That’s nice”

Boy..”Wanna buy it?”

Man..remembering what happened last time said “Sure, how
much?”

Boy...”$750”

Man...Fine.


A couple of days later the father comes home and tells his son
to get his ball and glove and they’ll play catch.

The boy replied that he couldn’t because he’d sold
them.

Father...”How much did you sell them for?”

Boy...”$1,000”

Father..”That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
It’s way more than they cost new. I’m taking you to church to
confess”


The father takes the boy to church and makes him sit in the
confessional and closes the door.


Boy...”It sure is dark in here”

Voice on the other side of the confessional..”Don’t start that
crap again”

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Boudreaux was out in da field talkin' wit his frien Thibodeaux. Thibodeaux said "Boudreaux , you see dat ole barn out dere? Well man, its completely infestered wit rats. I tried everything I know an can't get rid of dem."

Boudreaux say, "Thibodeaux, I know xactly how to get rid of dem rats. You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors." Thibodeaux say, Whats a bull constriptor?". Boudreaux explains, "man. dats one of dem big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at once".

Well, da nex day Thibodeaux went down to Kliberts reptile farm and bought him da biggest bull constripter dat dey got. He brought dat snake to da barn an let him loose right in da middle and just sat dere and watched. Well, Thibodeaux was watchin' for a long time, I mean long, an dere wasn't nuttin ' happening. Dat big ole snake jus curled up hiself in da middle of dat barn and slept all day. He didn't even move and dem rats jus run all around.

So Thibodeaux got real frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on da phone, "Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake.Dem rats is still runnin' al around and dat snake jus lays dere sleepin' all day long."
Boudreaux says, "Man, Thibodeaux, I know just what to do. Give dat snake some Viagra." Thibodeaux say, "What! Viagra! What's dat gonna do?" Boudreaux say,"I was just listening to da radio and de man say dat Viagra is da best ting to use for a reptile dysfunction."
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