m00n Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 All... On thursday it's my turn for "Joke of the Week" for one of my weekly meetings. So, if you have one (and I'm sure you do) please share. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neo33 Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Q: What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs? A: Cash and carry! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteelerFan Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 There's this guy who has always dreamed of meeting a real live pirate in person. One day he takes the bull by the horns and hops on a plane headed for the caribbean. He gets off the plane and heads straight for the dock. Sure enough he runs into a guy with a peg leg, eye patch and a hook for a hand. So he asks the guy if he is a real pirate. The guy smiles proudly and says "Yes". He asks the guy what happened to his leg. The guy says "A shark bit it off after I was forced to walk the plank". He says "Cool, what happened to your hand with the hook?". The guy says "It got cut off in a sword fight". He says "Wow!". Then he looks at the guy's eye and says "How did you lose your eye, was that a sword fight also?". The guy looks at the ground and says sheepishly "Ah... no, that was the first day with the new hook". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
travisc Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 did you use my mountain gorrilla/chualla joke from last time? hmm let me think Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
travisc Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 A pretty blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Bill, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
m00n Posted February 21, 2006 Author Share Posted February 21, 2006 LOL... Oh man. I don't remember you posting that one. I like it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CECAA850 Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 A country hick and a man from the city were both standing at the urinal. When they were finished, the city man washed his hands thoroughly with soap and water, and the hick just walked out of the bathroom. The city guy caught him and asked "Didn't your parents teach you to wash your hands after going to the bathroom?" The hick replied "No, they taught me not to pee all over my hands." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WMcD Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 When does RED mean GO and GREEN means STOP? Answer: When you're eating watermellon. This works best when the target is in deed eating watermellon. Gil. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WMcD Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 You must adopt this to the circumstances: It will work with a bunch of engineers Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer, and Computer Engineer leave the plant to go to meeting. The car will not start. The EE says to check for spark. Long explanation about electricity and cars, whch is technically correct. The Chem E says to check for fuel. Long explanation about gasoline and air fuel mixtures, which is technically correct. The Comp Sci Enng. Gives a long story about, let's unbuckle our seat belts, take the key out of ignition. Open the door, get out, lock the door. Wait 15 seconds, Open the door, get in. Put on seat belts, put key back in. See if it will start. I.e. the Comp Sci guy is actually describing re-booting as a solution for any computer problem. If they have not heard it before, they will start laughing when they recoginze the re-boot. Gil Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Two blondes walk into a building. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woodog Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 A three legged dog walks into a bar, and the bartender says, 'What can I get for you?' the dog says, "I'm just looking for the man who shot my paw" ------------ A unitarian, a priest, and a jew walk into a bar, and the bartender says, 'Is this some kind of a joke?" ---------- Renee Descarte walks into a bar, and the bartender says, 'Hey Renee, can I get you a beer?" Descarte says, "I think not" and then disappears. ------------ A string walks into a bar, and the bartender gets angry and throws the string out into the street, yelling 'we don't serve your kind here!' the string musses up his hair, ties himself up and goes back in. The barender looks at him and says, 'hey, aren't you that string that was in here a minte ago?' The string replies, 'No, I'm a frayed knot' -------------------- Woo (needs a drink) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ancientdude Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Descartes* sorry, just study a lot of him, cant let it get away Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
colterphoto1 Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 This one is best with kids of say 8-14 years old. Display the new quarter from the great state of Kentucky. The 'tails' side has a barn, fence and horse shown. Ask the kids to look closely and tell you 'what kind of horse is that'. They'll stare and stare and shake their heads A QUARTER horse! yuk yuk. OK, clean funny jokes are hard to come by. But I like Travis' one about the blonde and the horse. But I kept getting afraid of what she'd grab onto next. My sick sick mind..... M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
colterphoto1 Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 A country hick and a man from the city were both standing at the urinal. When they were finished, the city man washed his hands thoroughly with soap and water, and the hick just walked out of the bathroom. The city guy caught him and asked "Didn't your parents teach you to wash your hands after going to the bathroom?" The hick replied "No, they taught me not to pee all over my hands." That one can also be used to great effect if you're in a crowd of two competing sports teams, like IU and Purdue around here. ie. 'At IU they taught me not to pee on my hands'. ( I know this is how Indy tells it!)[] M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boom3 Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Little Johnny comes home from Sunday school. "What did you learn in Sunday school today?" his mom aks. "We learned that Jesus was a Democrat" . 'Why do you say that, Johnny?' his Mom wondered. "Because the teacher said Jesus ate with Republicans and sinners!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rplace Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 What is brown and sticky? A stick! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coytee Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 (I've plagerized all of these) Never marry a tennis player.....love means nothing to them Clones are people two I plan to live forever......so far..so good Help stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy VD is nothing to clap about... Im out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips!! Im not being rude, youre just insignificant... Money talks, but all mine ever says is goodbye... One good thing about repeating your mistakes is...you know when to cringe I couldnt warm up to this person if we were cremated together... Ive seen people like him before, of course, I had to pay admission... Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher? She had no control over her pupils... Ill try being nicer, when you try being smarter Thank God Im an Atheist Are you always this stupid, or are you just making a special effort today? If at first you dont succeed, parachuting is not for you... All stressed out, and no one to choke Incontinence hotline... Can you hold please??? When the chips are down the cow is empty.... Originality is the art of concealing your other sources A woman drove me to drink and I didnt even have the decency to thank her You can always wake up with a smile on your face, if you go to bed with a coat hanger in your mouth I had amnesia once or twice... Just because I have a short attention span doesnt mean I...... How do you get off a non-stop flight?? Friends may come and go but enemies tend to accumulate What did the sign on the whorehouse door say??? Beat it, were closed... Do they have reserved parking for the non-handicapped people at the special- Olympics?? My wife says I never listen to her...at least thats what I think she said... Can Atheists get insurance for acts of God?? Constipated people dont give a crap... I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but just never got around to it I have not yet begun to procrastinate... Marriage means commitment, of course, so does insanity... Hes got his head so far up his *** that he can chew his food a second time on the way down Newsflash: Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery..... I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.. Death is hereditary I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol Dyslexia means never having to say you're yrros.... I saw a subliminal advertisement the other day, but only for a second...... I'd explain it to you, but your head might explode.... I am very pleased to see that you did not let education get in the way of your Ignorance The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action... Space is a dangerous place, Especially if its between your ears Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least theyre the scenic route... My advice to worms........Sleep late.... Impotence Natures way of saying no hard feelings A single fact can ruin a perfectly good argument 100,000 sperm, and you were the fastest??? Gravity is a myth....the earth sucks Rehab....is for quitters Nostalgia aint what it used to be... Im not sure what makes you so dumb, but it really seems to work... The world is full of apathy....but I dont care Why is there only one Monopolies commission??? A shotgun wedding is a matter of wife or death My reality check bounced... Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove that theory, they fed 100 men 24 cans of beer each. They then Observed that 100% of them started talking nonesense, and couldn't drive.... Life is sexually transmitted How can you spot a blind guy at the Nudist Colony???? It ain't hard.... If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant Skydivers....good to the last drop What happened when the wheel was invented?... it caused a revolution Some drink from the fountain of knowledge.......others just gargle I used to be clueless about math, but I turned that around 360 degrees... What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison? A small medium at large... When cheese gets a picture taken, what does it say? Why do we wait until a pig is dead, before we cure it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ray Garrison Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 don't get that one about Jesus and the Republicans... A pretty young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible", says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" "No, " she says, " I'm actually blonde, but I got tired of all the jokes. Why?" The doctor says. "Your finger is broken." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fletcherkane Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 don't get that one about Jesus and the Republicans... Mark 2:15-16 While Jesus was having dinner at Levi's house, many publicans and "sinners" were eating with HIm and His disciples, for there were many who followed Him. When the teachers of the law, who were Pharisees saw him eating with the "sinners" and Publicans, they asked his disciples: " Why does he eat with publicans and sinners?" Kind of a double play on words--publican--republican AND--a publican is another word for TAX COLLECTOR Don't you love it when you have to explain a joke...[] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woodog Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Descartes* sorry, just study a lot of him, cant let it get away whew... to think I was about to spell it Daycart. [] Woo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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