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Daddy Dee
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Ex-President Bush, decides to leave the Ranch and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big Boobs.

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big boobs? Why kill a blonde with big boobs?'


Bush turns to the bartender and says,
'See, I told you, no one gives a darn about the 140 million Muslims!'
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Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.


Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night....whether you're here or not."

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Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

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Four doctors are having a discussion. One is Israeli, one is

German, one is Russian and one is American.

The doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced

that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man,

and in six weeks he is looking for work."

The German doctor comments: "That's nothing. In Germany we take

part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's

head, and in four weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take

out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another

person's chest, and in two weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues.

You are way behind us. In the USA we grabbed a person

with no brains, no heart, and no balls . . . we made him President

of the United States, and now the whole country is looking for work!!!"

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Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him,
looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen here, Good Looking, I
scr%w anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car,
front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked
or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've
been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,
'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?'
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Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that
she's pregnant.

She is furious...Here she is in the middle of her first run for
President .....now this has happened to her.
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:
"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now,
you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this!

I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault!
Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again,
"Did you hear me?"

Finally she hears Bill's very very quiet voice, in a barely audible
whisper, he asks:

"Who's speaking...?"
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  • 1 month later...
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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.



The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.



The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.



He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."



Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.



The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."



This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.



The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"



The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.



"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."



She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"



The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.



After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.



The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.



The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"



Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

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Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Larry's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Larry's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Larry sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday.

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

So, Here I am.
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.

'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 enemy troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last one with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?'
'Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.'
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  • 4 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...

from an email from one of Dad's cousins who's probably 90 something or very near 90...

To Be 6 Again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake..

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.


He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.


If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under. - Ronald Reagan

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