Brac Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 Big Mike goes to pick up a pizza, he get there as it's coming out of the oven. The pizza guy says should I cut this in six peices or eight? Big Mike says, you better cut it in six, I don't think I can eat eight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER: Dear Abby: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby: What can I do about all the sex, nudity, fowl language and violence on my VCR? Dear Abby: I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his. Dear Abby: I am a 23-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby: I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Dear Abby: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? Dear Abby: My 40-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy. Dear Abby: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. Dear Abby: My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through mental pause. Dear Abby: You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband has lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groomlakearea51 Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt. Her friend asks: "Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?" "Oh, crap!" the blonde says. "I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant "T*ts Go In Front." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators dtel Posted June 4, 2008 Moderators Share Posted June 4, 2008 Honk if you love Horns ! Stolen from Don Richard, thought it was funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenderbender Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER: Dear Abby: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? Whats the difference between Karate and Judo??? One is a marshall art...the other is what you make Bagels out of. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenderbender Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 What is the difference between a woman's track team and a tribe of pygmies??? One is a bunch of cunning runts! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom Adams Posted June 5, 2008 Author Share Posted June 5, 2008 A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sex?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have sex.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye. The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has sex with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married so we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenderbender Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap out in the woods....The Bear asks the rabbit "do you ever have a problem with your poop sticking to your fur???" "well no, I don't suppose I do" answers the rabbit. so the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his *** with him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skonopa Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 I heard it like this, What's the difference betweeh a Hoover and a Harley?...... The Harley has can hold TWO dirtbags. Here is one that I remember hearing that is kinda related.. What is the difference between a BMW and a pocupine? For the pocurpine, the pr*cks are on the outside. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fini Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap out in the woods....The Bear asks the rabbit "do you ever have a problem with your poop sticking to your fur???" "well no, I don't suppose I do" answers the rabbit. so the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his *** with him. One of my best friends tells that joke. I have a problem with the premise (aside from the bear and rabbit talking to each other). Wouldn't the bear want to wipe with something to which his poop does stick? I mean, otherwise you're just spreading it, no? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theplummer Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 Now that's funnier than the joke itself, fini. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenderbender Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 Good one Fini..... So a bear and a Porcupine....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddy Dee Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the armadillo it can be done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cmdridq Posted June 8, 2008 Share Posted June 8, 2008 A man who owned dolphins found out that if he fed the dolphins with a certain kind of sea bird, the dolphins would live forever. So he went to the spot to where the special sea birds were found, captured them and put them in a cage and then started back to his dolphins. As he was heading home, he saw an old, decrepit lion standing in his way so he jumped over the lion. The police immediately arrested him. The charge? Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddy Dee Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Police Car Chasing a BMW A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car saleroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.' I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly gent as he floored it to 110 mph, then 120, then 130 mph. Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.' The man looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.' 'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Macho Nacho Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Two old jewish men walk into a bar. They own it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenderbender Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Sol and Morty, aware of their immortality, make a pact: who ever Dies first will come back to the other as a ghost, and tell what the afterlife is like. Sol dies a few weeks later and Morty awaits for a sign from Sol. "MORTY........Mortyyyyyyyy....Mortyyyyyyy.... Wake up...it's me Sol!!!! " Sol is that really you??? so???? Whats it like??? "Well Morty, it's not bad......I wake up after a long restful sleep and get a big breakfast followed by some light exercise...Then I have sex all morning!! I have a nice lunch, then more sex, followed by a little nap. I get checked by a doctor, go swimming, then have sex until dinner. I have more sex and then go to bed for the evening." Sol !!! Heaven sounds wonderful !!!" " Heaven Schmeaven, Morty.....I'm a Bull in Nebraska!!!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brac Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 Three men want to become agents for the FBI. After a day of intensive interviews, they are told there is one more test to prove their dedication to the FBI. The head FBI agent takes the first guy into a private room. He hands him a gun and says, "Go into that room and kill your wife." The guy says, "No way," and leaves FBI headquarters. The second guy goes through the same proceedings. He walks into the second room, but on seeing his wife decides that she is worth more than a good job, and he, too, refuses. Finally the third guy is given the gun and told to kill his wife. He walks into the second room and six shots are heard. A few seconds later, the head FBI agent hears crashing and banging from the room. After a few minutes, the guy comes out of the room. "What happened?" asks the FBI agent. "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks... I had to kill her with the chair." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bodcaw boy Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 Police Car Chasing a BMW A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car saleroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.' I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly gent as he floored it to 110 mph, then 120, then 130 mph.Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'The man looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.''Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman. NOW THAT WAS FUNNY! take care, roy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IndyKlipschFan Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 How's this for a gunshot survivor... Linda Burnett , 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dou gh on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered. Linda is a blonde, a Democrat and an Obama supporter, but that could be irrelevant. hahahaaha Roger Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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