Guest Steven1963 Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 (edited) Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her righthand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead." Edited June 19, 2015 by Steven1963 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paducah Home Theater Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 So a duck walks into a bar and asks "got any grapes"? Bartender says no we don't have any grapes here. So the duck leaves. Duck comes back the next day. "Got any grapes"? Bartender says "... noooo, I told you yesterday we don't have any grapes here". So the duck leaves. Duck comes back the third day. "Got any grapes"? Bartender says "Look here you little duck, I've got a bar to run, so no we don't have any grapes, and if you come back again asking for grapes I'm going to nail your little duck bill to the bar!" So the duck leaves. Duck comes back the fourth day. "Got any nails?" Bartender is all confused and says "no???" Duck says "GOOD! Got any grapes"? 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JL Sargent Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 What do you call a deer with no eyes? A no ideer. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no ideer. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
USNRET Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Why can't a dog dance? He has two left feet! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
USNRET Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!" "I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today!" 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
USNRET Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother. "And why not?" asks Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?" Stan says nothing. The brother grows impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle." Stan can’t take it anymore. He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?" "Yes," the brother replies. "It would be an honor." "Well, congratulations, you're holding him." 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyOwn Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Love this LMAO......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fjd Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Chinese wisdom ...Woman asks:If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a ****.But when a man sleeps with 10 girls, everyone calls him a real man. How come?Chinese Man replies:It's very simple.Confucius say 'When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it's a bad lock.But when one key can open 10 different locks, we call it a master key!'.Now we know !!! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WMcD Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 Knock knock, Who's there? Knock, knock, Who's there? Knock, knock. Who's there? Knock, knock. Who's there? Knock, knock. Who's there? Knock, knock. Who's there? Knock, knock. Who's there? Philip Glass. - - - - Larry C will like it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarryC Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 I have never made myself familiar with many 20th century composers. but listened just now to an impressive bit of Glass on YouTube. See https://en.wikipedia.org/?title=Philip_Glass.. Anyway, after that minimalist learning adventure, I got the joke! Larry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WMcD Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 There is also, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqe2Nqr2hNs WMcD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MORE KLIPSCH PLEASE Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 A set of "jumper cables" walks in the bar.......... The bar tender says.....look don't you start anything in here.... MKP :-) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldtimer Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 Donald Trump. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators dtel Posted June 20, 2015 Moderators Share Posted June 20, 2015 I went looking for the old thread, couldn't find it, it was over a year old and nothing but post like this. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
geoffr Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 A man goes into a library and asks the librarian, whispering, if they had a recent book about small penises. After checking to see, she says "I don't think it's in yet" "That's the one", he says. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TasDom Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 A married man is having an affairWith his secretary.One day they went to her placeAnd made love all afternoon.Exhausted, they fell asleepAnd woke up at 8 PM.The man hurriedly dressedAnd told his lover to take his shoesoutside and rub them in the grass and dirt.He put on his shoes and drove home.'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.'I can't lie to you,' he replied,'I'm having an affair with my secretary..We had sex all afternoon.'She looked down at his shoes and said:'You lying bastard!You've been playing golf!' 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
USNRET Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 Mayberry: 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moray james Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 hope this attaches 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigStewMan Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 Donald Trump. That’s President Trump to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ceptorman Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 What do girls from (insert your state of choice here) and bear cubs have in common? They both like to lick their paws Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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