for Fini

[Boxx]

[BLSamuel]

$5.37!

That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.

Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change

when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.

He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.

"Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?

A mere child!

Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.

Was he blind?

As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.

Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought.
I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter,
and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me,
like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now?
A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind!

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now?
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus:
The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,
relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!
My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito,
only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,
and strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.
All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?
At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,
and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue.
I walked back out to the truck,
and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.
He was holding up a drink and a bag.
His mother explained,
"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words:
"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.
Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.
And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.

I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.

I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

Pass this on to the other "old fogies" on your list (so they can have fun laughing, too).

Notice the larger type?

That's for those of us who have trouble reading.

P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!!

[gnatnoop]

Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his

chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his

eyes are rolled back in his head.

Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator,

'I think Sal is dead! What should I do?'

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, 'Just take it easy and

follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.'

There is a silence. And then a shot is heard.

Vinny's voice comes back on the line, 'Okay... Now what?'

[gnatnoop]

THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME STATISTICS IN THE LAST FIVE YEARS.

25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness!

That's scary as hell, it means 75% are running around with no medication at all.

[gnatnoop]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'

Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'

They are knocked over, but continue to ask.'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.

'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

[Islander]

Football funny: http://imgur.com/a/9H0Hv

[CECAA850]

Football funny: http://imgur.com/a/9H0Hv

OMG, my jaws hurt from laughing.

[jhoak]

I'm betting she's a blonde

[dtel]

These last two are some of the best, very funny. [Y]

[Islander]

No butts were harmed in the making of this video. Not permanently, anyway.

[Boxx]

I've seen this guy before... I think he works for BOZE.

[germerikan]

No butts were harmed in the making of this video. Not permanently, anyway.

Thanks just spit coffie on my computer screen.

[BLSamuel]

From my email from cousin Gwen

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride

Approached her new husband and asked

For $20.00 for their first lovemaking

Encounter.

In his highly aroused state,

Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made

Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a

Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that

She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was

Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that

His employer was going through a process of corporate

Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find

Another position that paid anywhere near what

He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which

Showed more than
forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling

Nearly $1
million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued

By the bank which was worth over $2 million, And informed him that they

Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than

Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,

These holdings had multiplied and these were the

Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments

Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could

Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,

I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when

To keep their mouths shut

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.

But push the wrong button and your *** is disconnected

[dtel]

TEQUILLA []

[moray james]

I thought this was funny and I'm a Scott. Best regards Moray James.

The Blood Donor

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to
the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the
need arose.

As the gentleman had a very rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally, a Scotsman was located who had the same blood type.

The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

The Arab sent the Scotsman, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & $100,000, happy that his surgery could now go ahead.

A couple of months later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his previous kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money,

But you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street ."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye, laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins."

[Islander]

-Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

[dtel]

Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year,

And every year Ed would say,

" Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Norma always replied,

" I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said,

" Norma, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Norma replied,

" Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said,

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I' impressed! "

Ed replied,

" Well, to tell you the truth

I almost said something when Norma fell out,

But you know,

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

[dtel]

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!

[dtel]

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says,

'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. Now it's syncing.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst kind.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are really pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? The saurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington was obviously the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Velcro... What a rip off!

[Marvel]

A tired cyclist stuck his thumb out for a lift: After 3 hours, hadn't got anyone to stop. Finally, a guy in a sports car pulled over and offered him a ride. But the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The driver got some rope out of the trunk and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the rider: "If I go too fast, ring your bell and I'll slow down."

Everything went well until another sports car blew past them. The driver forgot all about the cyclist and put his foot down. A short distance down the road, they hammered through a speed trap. The cop with the radar gun and radioed ahead that he had 2 sports cars heading his way at over 150 mph. He then relayed, "and you're not going to believe this, but there's a cyclist behind them ringing his bell to pass!".