OT: Joke thread

[Tom Adams]

We haven't had one of these in a while, so I'll start...........

Two Swedish, Two Irish and Two Scottish couples began to play a game of golf.

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.

'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20.

Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta afford any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.'

[oldbuckster]

Relaxing Federal Taxes on Gas for 3 months............. Yuk, Yuk, Yuk, that's funny !!!!!!!!!!!! ....

[Spongeworthy]

What's the difference between a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?

The position of the dirtbag.

[djk]

What's a four letter word ending in 'k' for intercourse?

[Islander]

Seven young brothers were so poor that they had to share one bed, with some at one end, some at the other end. Even worse, three of them were bed-wetters.

One of the "dry" brothers asked another one, "Which end will you sleep in tonight?"

"The shallow end!", he answered.

[JerolW]

Talk

[BLSamuel]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''

The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of
happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'

The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why
is the groom wearing black?'

[jacksonbart]

A blonde is overweight so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days," he tells her. "Then skip a day and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly four stone. "Why that's amazing," the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger you mean?" Asks the doctor.
"No," replies the blonde, "from skipping."

[jacksonbart]

The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink."

Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"

[Ray Garrison]

Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg looks around for a moment, then says "Well, as there are three of us and we are inside a bar, this must be a joke, but I can't determine whether it's funny or not." Gödel looks at him and says "Of course not, we're inside the joke. To determine if it's funny we'd have to be outside." To which Chomsky replies "Idiot, of course it's funny, you're just not telling it right."

There are 10 kinds of people in the world... those who understand ternary, those who don't, and those scrambling for a dictionary.

[Islander]

Thanks for not dumbing down your humour, Ray!

[Groomlakearea51]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that just in case I need to fix it again."

Eric looked at me funny, then grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote down: ID10T...

I used to like Eric...

[Brac]

Guy walks into a bar with his 3 legged pig. Bar tender says We don't serve pigs here, he has to go! Guy says, but this is a special pig last year my house cought fire and this pig woke us all up and got the kids out of the house, That's great he says but we don't serve pigs. Guy says but just this summer we went to the beach and this pig saved my son when he was drowning.

Bar tender says thats really impressive, but rules, are rules, but I have to ask "why does your pig have 3 legs"

YOU CAN'T EAT A SPECIAL PIG LIKE THAT ALL AT ONCE!!!

[Guest srobak]

From the PBS series "Carrier" which concluded last night...

"A carrier landing is like having sex during a car accident, There's a great reward to it, it feels wonderful, but it's a
bit violent and when it's over, it's pretty quick."

[Groomlakearea51]

Letter to the airlines on how to save money....

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the heck they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips!

Because the terrorists are afraid of seeing naked women, hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right. A golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

[varay0816]

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head,the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in theface.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

[varay0816]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat wasvery small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

[Jeff Matthews]

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,

I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know

how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some

fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you

are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,

I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots

whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in

the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots

to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying

that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman

responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's

house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were

inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out

in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some

fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked

over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,

Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

[flannj]

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Little Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny." Little Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes." "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny. “Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision." "That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be s*** outta luck if he needed glasses."

[theplummer]

I heard it like this,

What's the difference betweeh a Hoover and a Harley?......

The Harley has can hold TWO dirtbags.