Marvel Posted January 28 Author Share Posted January 28 I actually had to think through the song... 🙄 But the thought reminded me of the new Luke Combs song 'Out where the wild things are' 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted January 28 Share Posted January 28 Most of my arguments with my wife usually end with "Don't Say, I know what you are thinking!" Obviously, I have a wife who can read minds.... The other day I did some stupid sh!t and got hurt (just some cuts and bruises), and she started yelling at me, "What were you thinking??!??!" I give up. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted January 28 Share Posted January 28 Things people that were actually said in court, word for word: Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? Q: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted January 28 Share Posted January 28 Hope that I don't offend anyone, it's only a joke. Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket. "How can the three of you travel on one ticket?" asks a lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. Aboard the train, the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them. When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. On the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers' technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all! "How in the hell are you going to pull this off?" asks a lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom. Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. "Ticket, please!" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marvel Posted January 28 Author Share Posted January 28 “An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman wander into a little old pub in Kildare. They each ask the barman for a pint of Guinness. After the pints are placed onto the bar, three bluebottles drop into each man’s freshly poured pint. The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust and orders up another. The Scot reaches in and plucks the fly out. The Irishman reaches in, picks the fly out, holds it up close to his face and shouts, “Spit it out you little b*stard.”” 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunburnwilly Posted January 28 Share Posted January 28 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakeydeal Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakeydeal Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 A man goes to see a wizard and asks, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?" “Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?" The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted February 11 Share Posted February 11 A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said,"Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll drive his 2024 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said: "Yeah, well ... You started it". 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakeydeal Posted February 19 Share Posted February 19 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave1291 Posted February 27 Share Posted February 27 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CWelsh Posted February 27 Share Posted February 27 2 hours ago, Dave1291 said: Puts a positive spin on hearing loss, doesn't it? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
veloceleste Posted February 29 Share Posted February 29 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
geezin' Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 An Angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try her best. The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on. "Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when I bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels and he pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there." "They don't like that in Heaven", said the Angel... The woman replied: "They're not crazy about it in Costco either!" 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grasshopper Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 similarly ... when viagra was new ... a man was given an experimental dose and they made love on/at the dinner table. when asked about the mess ... Oh, we'll never eat in that restaurant again 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakeydeal Posted March 4 Share Posted March 4 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted March 12 Share Posted March 12 A girl in college calls her father after having sex for the first time. She says, "Dad, I have a confession to make. I ain't a virgin anymore." Hearing this, the dad gets furious and shouts, "I work my *** off to get you into one of the best universities in the state, and you still say ain't!?" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woofers and Tweeters Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 Teacher: "Johnny, I want you to say a sentence that begins with the letter i" Little Johnny: "I is..." Teacher interrupts: no Johnny, always say "I am". Little Johnny: "Ok Miss... I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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