SteelerFan Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Two blondes are lying on a beach in Texas at night looking at the Moon. One blonde says to the other, "Are we closer to the Moon or Florida?". The other blonde says, "You idiot, we can see the Moon". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Matthews Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 One morning while Clinton was still President and on his morning jog around the White House, he ran across this little boy with a wagon, pulling some baby kittens. Clinton says "Hi, young man. What do you have there?" The boy says "They're baby kittens." Clinton says, trying to be funny, "Are they Democrat kittens or Republican kittens." They boy says "They're Democrat kittens, sir." Clinton says "That's swell, young man! You take real good care of those Democrat kittens," and then, he continues on his jog. A week later, Clinton is on his morning jog, and he sees the boy with the kittens. He says "Howdy, young man. Are you taking good care of those Democrat kittens?" The boy says "These are Republican kittens." Clinton says "I thought just last week you said they were Democrat kittens." The boy says "Well, last week they were Democrat kittens, but now, their eyes are open." [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldtimer Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 I'm proud to be against both parties, but my dad sent me this. the text reads, "this is why men vote republican." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J.4knee Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 An Engineer, An MBA, a Psychologist and a LIberal Ats Graduate were at a gathering where a discussion about the ramifications of a proposed new company product was taking place. The MBA turns and asks "Just how much do you think it will cost to do that", the Engineer counters and asks "hmmmm How are we going to do that", the Psychologist inquires "Well... what will the ramifications be if we do that?" Finally from behind the counter the Liberal Arts Grad asks "Do you want fries with that?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RichardP Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Ladies, how can you spot an extroverted Engineering major? When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his shoes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theryugobuddy Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 Why do married men usually die before their wives? Because they want to! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Def Leper Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turned to the other and said "Does this taste funny to you?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 To an engineer, the glass isn't half full or half empty - it was just over-designed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jacksonbart Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 To an engineer, the glass isn't half full or half empty - it was just over-designed. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wstrickland1 Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip, or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention, in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he said, "and what kinds! of myths are there?" "Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African- American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck..." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.... "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name.""Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
m00n Posted February 23, 2006 Author Share Posted February 23, 2006 A pretty blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Bill, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse. Thanks everyone for your awesome jokes, I'm pleased to announce that travisc blond horse riding joke is the one I used. [] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jacksonbart Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 What is brown and sticky? A stick! That is a keeper, Classic Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Speedball Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 The blonde riding the Walmart horse was fabulous..... My wifes cousin eMails us once in a while with a blonde joke, (his wife is a blonde), and we sent it to him.........terrific....lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
travisc Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 I feel honored and privileged now we can tell the dirty ones? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
m00n Posted February 23, 2006 Author Share Posted February 23, 2006 I feel honored and privileged now we can tell the dirty ones? Very good! [] And Yes as far as I'm concerned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bruinsrme Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 How do you turn your dishwasher into a snow thrower? hand her a shovel Why do Brides where white? Because all appliances should match. Oh yeah I slept on the couch for a couple of nights. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pythagore Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, thinking "isn't that obvious?" "You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. The woman replied, "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am", and he left. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pythagore Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a wonderful selection of pink curtains. He shows her many kinds of curtains in different fabrics until she finally picks out a pink floral pattern. The salesman then asks, "What size do you need?" She says, "15 inches." He exclaims, "15 INCHES!.......What room are they for?" She says, "It's not for a room, it's for my computer monitor." The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not need curtains." The blonde says, "HELLooooooo.........I've got Windows!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
www.records Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 A baglady walks into a bar, removes her raincoat to reveal a flowered sleeveless summer dress. She raises her arm, showing a hairy armpit and says "Who will buy a woman a drink?" The guys sitting at the bar look towards her and then go back to their drinks. An old drunk sitting at the far end of the bar, looks towards her and says, "Bartender, I will buy the ballerina a drink." The bartender makes the baglady a drink which she quickly finishes. She again stands, raises her arm in the air and says, "Who will buy a lady a drink?" Everyone ignores her except for the drunk at the end of the bar, who says "Bartender, I will buy the ballerina a drink." The bartender says, "Why do you keep calling her a ballerina?" The drunk replies, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high, has to be a ballerina." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrt Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 A proton walks into a police station- 'officer, I believe I've lost my electron!' The officer reply's- 'are you sure' 'Why yes, I'm positive!' What do two dipoles say in passing? "Debeye!" (sorry about that one) For your kids- Two ships, one purple and one red, collide in the middle of the ocean. Unfortunately, the crews were marooned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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