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On 1/28/2024 at 12:41 PM, Woofers and Tweeters said:

Things people that were actually said in court, word for word:

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

This made me think of 


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  • 2 weeks later...
72 year old Yitzhak has just entered his shul and sat down when he sees Hymie, an old friend of his, sitting on the other side of the shul, with a young blonde woman at his side. At the end of the service, as he is leaving, Yitzhak sees Hymie walking away arm in arm with this woman. So he discreetly follows them into the local park and from a distance, watches them cavort around just like youngsters. When they finish locked in each other’s arms, Yitzhak thinks, "Oy, did they enjoy themselves!"
Next shabbat, Yitzhak enters his shul, sits down, and again sees Hymie, but this time with a different young woman at his side. And then, later on during the service, Hymie gets the Hagbah aliyah, and is soon holding the Torah above his head and spinning around as if he were 20 years old.
So at the end of the service, Yitzhak goes over to Hymie, congratulates him, and asks, "So what's going on with you Hymie? Are you on drugs or what?"
Hymie replies, "I don't want to talk about it here. Come with me into the Mens Room and I'll explain."
When they get there, Hymie says, "I've recently had a shmeckle transplant, donated by the family of a young man killed in a car accident."
When Hymie then shows Yitzhak his 8" strong looking shmeckle, Yitzhak says, "Oy vey, that’s fantastic," and then takes the name of the surgeon who had performed the transplant.
Within days, Yitzhak has made an appointment to see the surgeon privately. After hearing the details, Yitzhak asks, "So could I have the same operation?"
The surgeon replies, "No problem."
Yitzhak asks him, "So how much will such an operation cost me?"
"If it's the same as your friend Hymie had, it will cost you $10,000," replies the surgeon.
Yitzhak says, "Oy doctor, that's too much. I'm not as rich as Hymie."
The surgeon says, "That's OK, I have a number of penises available from $100 upwards. You choose."
Yitzhak chooses the cheapest one for $100.
Hymie and Yitzhak meet up in shul a few weeks later. Yitzhak shuffles in and Hymie goes over to him, slaps him on the back and quietly says, "So nu? How did the Operation go?"
Yitzhak replies, "It went OK, but I don’t really feel any different."
So Hymie says, "let’s go to the Men’s Room so that I can have a peep."
When Yitzhak takes it out, Hymie gives a bellow of laughter and says, "He gave you my old one!"
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There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some arshole out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce."

As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

Really replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

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